Hurry Up and Get Big
October 5, 2012
Getting Your Ducks in a Row
October 19, 2012
This latest essay was inspired by me attempting to assemble something I just bought and continually kicking myself in the butt because I wasn’t assembling it as fast as I would’ve liked.
Word Count: 942
Mechanically Inclined?
Definitely Not
So in theory everyone has some sort of special God-given talent, right? We see it all the time; whether it’s a hidden ability to sing like Frank Sinatra, dance like Fred Astaire, or cook like one of those celebrity chefs we see all the time on the Food Network.
In the case of the reputable cook it appears like they really know what they’re doing, but I wouldn’t know. Oftentimes when I’m watching them perform their magic, I’m too busy salivating over whatever it is that’s being prepared in front of the camera. Taking note as to whether or not whoever is making the dish is or isn’t an expert happens to be the last thought on my mind. Akin to thinking about who’s going to be doing your income tax preparation next year while engaged in a sexual act.
I like to think that it took me till the age of thirty- eight before I actually discovered what my real passion in life happens to be. Then again as we all know, zeal for doing something and having the talent to pull it off are two entirely different things. What I do know is this; I am not a very mechanically inclined individual. In fact, most tasks that involve the building or repair of a device that spins, makes noise, or creates and transfers energy shouldn’t be entrusted to yours truly. If an individual makes the grievous mistake of commissioning me to carry out a job that involves doing something of this nature, it’s a big error on their part. Basically sailing straight into a class VI Hurricane/Kill Storm.
The older I get, (and the less hair on the top of my head), the more I realize this axiom about myself. Thank God I’ve learned to rely upon friends and relatives who do happen to have mechanical skills at their disposal. My brother-in-law is a good example of me learning to take advantage of other people’s machinelike tinkering talents.
When I first moved into the place where I’m currently residing he came up to check the apartment out. I mentioned that the stove was somewhat temperamental and didn’t work so well. When he heard this he took one look at the settings, re-screwed a few loose knobs, and presto-chango, got the thing running again in no time.
After he left I thought to myself that I should’ve been able to fix the stove but didn’t. Owing of course to my advanced skills at mechanical ineptitude I was unable to perform the task myself. Instead relying upon someone else to do the job.
This is only a single isolated case and there are many others. Another good friend of mine has obviously learned this. When he tracks me down to ask for my assistance at doing something, my buddy knows only to rely on me to help with the most rudimentary of mechanical tasks. The grunt work as it were. Smart reasoning on his part don’t you think?
Having worked with me in the past, he’s observed first-hand my trying to do tasks that involve building or using machines to complete the job. Since it may also involve the use of an instrument with multiple parts, observation has taught him that I often look more like a Mongolian goat herder trying to produce urban Rap music than anything else.
Get Dave Swanson to help you do the job. Only try to make sure any task you give him to do doesn’t involve operating a machine. If the instrument he’s asked to use is high-speed electrical equipment look out. The guy hasn’t caused any serious bodily injury yet (a.k.a. severed limbs), but it’s only a matter of time till one of us is participating as an athlete in the Paralympics.
So using this line of reasoning we can assume that I’m not very good at doing lots of rudimentary mechanical tasks, right? “O contre mi amour.”
This past Labor Day marked the fifteenth year I’ve worked a volunteer taxi driver for the Film Festival over in Telluride. We can conclude that this says one of three things: 1. I’m a very good driver (hardly), 2. I have a deep abiding love for watching movies, (which I do, but that’s another story), or 3. The guy is paranoid about wrecking an expensive vehicle. The festival makes their drivers pay for repairs out of their own pocket, and since I definitely don’t have the insurance to cover it if I cause an accident I’m extra careful. Probably the latter.
We can also assume that since he’s mechanically challenged Dave Swanson probably doesn’t do much with computers? Wrong again. A lot of my writing is done off a keyboard and I’ve gotten pretty fast at it too. Just as long as you only have me bang out thoughts on the keyboard. You’re all right as long as you don’t have the guy open up the hard drive to tinker with the inner workings of the system.
Finally, one might be tempted to think that I should feel inadequate about this. Actually I don’t. Everybody has hidden talents and mine happen to not be in the realm of doing anything mechanical. Dave tends to be gifted more in the area of creating bizarre scenarios with his mind. He likes to write about them, and all of it is pretty funny. The most unbelievable thing about this is the fact that he does it all with a drug free mind. Can you imagine what the inner workings are if we cracked his head open examined the contents? Probably a mechanical mess.
