Sympathy for The Linguistically Challenged
March 2, 2012
Overheated Necessity and the Atypical Mothers of Invention (Short Story)
March 16, 2012
Dear readers,
Spring is in the air, but with it comes a bit of sadness at the passing of ripping through knee deep powder snow.
Word Count: 993
ABC’s Wide World
Of Roof Jumping
I’m totally convinced that a big reason why I ended up becoming obsessed with reading and collecting of comic books while growing up in Silverton was because we only had one television channel. Your entertainment options while hanging out basically consisted of three things: 1. Watch whatever the programmers at KREX-TV in Grand Junction fed you, 2. Turn the TV off and fight with your siblings, or 3. Find alternate ways to entertain your self.
More often than not, I’d end up creating imaginary scenarios involving the integration of various elements from options #1 and #3. After a while doing too much of option #2 ended up leading to the inevitable parental enforcement of solitary confinement to one’s room. Hence my development of a comic book obsession, you be the judge.
Now since our little valley had inordinately long winters (some things never change) with a lot of snow (like I said, certain aspects about living in this town always stay the same), I’d watch a something on TV, follow that up by reading a comic book and thus raise the level of fantastical imagery, and finally go outside. To the relief of my mother I’m sure who thanked her lucky stars that I was going outdoors to burn off some excess energy.
Saturday afternoons, KREX-TV always broadcasted the quintessential sports program of the 1970’s and early 80’s, ABC’s Wide World of Sports. One of my favorite things about the show was its opening credits. The voice of Jim McKay would miraculously materialize out of nowhere; and an animated spinning globe would pop up on the screen. Images of various venues from around the world would appear, accompanied by his overly dramatic tone and appropriate imagery to match it-he’d blurt out, “Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport! The Human drama of athletic competition,” Imagery of a Soviet weight lifter straining to hoist a massive hernia inducing tonnage over his head. “The thrill of victory,” More visualization of a trophy being passed around, champagne flowing freely, and lots of gratuitous celebrating. “And the agony of defeat.” A Nordic ski jumper is shown gliding down the in-run, he slides off the edge of the jump, spins wildly in the air and horrendously crashes into the crowd. “This is ABC’s Wide World of Sports!!” The background music was loud, bombastic, and almost as dramatic as the images themselves.
I remember the times when Wide World of Sports would show you cliff diving from Acapulco, gymnastics, or some sort of death defying airplane stunt. Immediately after witnessing the sporting escapades on that week’s episode, I’d change into my snowsuit, dash out the door, and try to re-create the activity I’d just witnessed. Using available resources at my disposal of course.
If the snow was deep, which decent San Juan winters almost always guaranteed, that usually meant climbing to the top of a shed. Copious amounts of the white stuff meant you were virtually guaranteed not to get hurt if you leaped off the edge of the roof and landed in a ten or fifteen foot drift. It was too soft, too fluffy, and always too deep for you to sustain any serious bodily injury.
Like a friend of mine always says, “When you’re under the age of 30, you feel like you can walk through walls without getting hurt.” I’d like to add to that by stating categorically that below the age of about 20, the confidence level is increased by a standard deviation of ten.
Jumping off the roof and pretending to perform what you’d just witnessed on Wide World of Sports was easy. All you had to do was imagine yourself as one of the competitors, climb to the top of the shed, and do your best over-acting as you leaped into space. This would of course include play-by-play commentary in my mind to accompany my performance:
“Swanson stoically stands like a statue at the precipice of that roof. He’s looking eminently prepared for this jump and extremely fit Al.”
“You’ve got that right AJ. He has that look of supreme confidence that can only come from a strict diet of chocolate donuts and massive ice cream consumption.”
“Nothing but the best Al. Swanson can always rely on the unwavering sponsorship of “Swanson’s Market” from its 1257 Blair St., Silverton headquarters.”
“Yes, they always provide him with nothing but the best for his training table AJ. A real testament to his fantastic roof jumping ability.”
“Swanson leaps! Does the standard foot first catapult jump, and squarely lands in that huge pile of snow! How will he extract himself from that one Al?”
“I’m not sure AJ. It’s depth looks to be about eight feet as he’s sunk up to at least his shoulders in it. That’ll take him a while to crawl out of.”
“He’ll do it though AJ. If past performances are any indication, Swanson is planning to jump off that roof at least six or seven more times today.”
“Basically until he’s pummeled all the snow at the base of this shed.”
“We’re in for a fantastic display of roof jumping today. One has to appreciate the natural skill and the tremendous amount of preparation required to give us this opportunity to witness such an amazing performance AJ.”
Returning to reality, or a reasonable facsimile of it, I jumped off that shed so many times that it looked like there wasn’t a square foot of untrampled snow when I finally trudged back into the house.
The snow eventually melted with the coming of spring and so too did the season roof jumping escapades. All these years later some people ask me why I want it to snow so much every winter. The exhilaration of skiing through knee-deep powder has a lot to do with it, but those beautiful childhood memories of roof jumping also influences my desires as well.
