Numbers and Other Myths
February 16, 2012
Sympathy for The Linguistically Challenged
March 2, 2012
The following essay was originally published by my friend who’s the editor at the local newspaper the week between Christmas and New Years. Lots of friends and family commented about how much they liked it, and said I should post it to my blog so others could partake of the quirkiness. So without here it is Sports fans. Enjoy!!
Word Count: 904
The Gift That
Keeps on Giving
Who doesn’t look back during this holiday season and think to themselves, “What was the best Christmas present I ever got?” For me the answer is clear. Precisely because the present that year kept coming in the mail over and over. Starting the week before Thanksgiving, throughout the month of December, and right up until two days before Santa paid his yearly visit. “This is too good to be true?” you say. That’s exactly what I thought at the time.
For a ten-year-old kid this confirms their the that there is indeed a nirvana. God just happens to answer prayers in spades from time-to-time. In my case it just so happens that it came from the inside of a Post Office Box.
My mother and father ordered almost everything they didn’t have at our family grocery store from catalogs. Mail arrived in our post office box twice a day. In the morning my mom would check the mail on her way to school, and the afternoon mail my sisters and I would take turns opening the box.
During my fourth grade year, I went through an intense miniature car ownership phase. It started out with Matchbox autos, but inevitably evolved into a stronger desire for the classier, sleeker looking, much more appealing Hot Wheels miniatures. Just like the Disney Corporation whose motto happens to be, “There’s gold in them thar’ diapers,” Mattel started manufacturing a line of Hot Wheels.Every month they kept coming out with more and more of the product. Result? Just looking through the Christmas catalogues in 1970 became an exercise in wanton desire of the most intense sort.
One cold and gloomy day in early November my mother asked me to check our mail. By complete and total coincidence, I inserted the key and found a small cardboard box from the Mattel Toy Corporation of Cupertino, California inside. Figuring it was some sort of Christmas gift my sisters and I weren’t supposed to know about, Catholic guilt forced me to quickly stick it back in the P.O. Box and dash home.
Three days later my mom asked me to check the box again. Wonder of wonders what should be waiting for me but another cardboard treasure I assumed was from Mattel Toys. I quickly ran home with a huge smile on my face. That night I spent the better part of my homework allotment time figuring out a way to open the box. Re-seal it in sort of a professional manner, followed of course by putting it back into the P.O. Box without anyone knowing about my clandestine ruse.
The month of December then turned into a daily visit to check the afternoon mail. Followed by walking home trying to look innocent and naively stupid in front of my sisters. I always made sure to bring my trusty bottle of Elmer’sglue with me, and over time modified and perfected my box opening and re-sealing technique into a precise misbehavior.
Why was Mattel Toys sending my Christmas present one car at a time to my mom? This happens to be one of life’s great mysteries never to be solved. Only matched by the mystery of Stonehenge, The glory that is Maachu Pichu, and the finding of a single Sock within that pile of clothes you just pulled out of the dryer.
By mid December my daily visits to the port office resulted in the reassuring, but hidden knowledge that I was about to get some fifteen Hot Wheel cars, and hopefully a track to race them on. The only thing I had to do at that point was act surprised. Not such a difficult task to pull off since my finely tuned comic book mind had trained me in this technique.
There was of course the requisite share of close calls. That lady who showed up at the post office right as I was tearing into one of the boxes, and then pulling out the glue and re-sealing it. She actually had the audacity to make an appearance on three occasions. The third time it actually looked like she was following my every move. Extremely nerve wracking.
Since this was similar to a covert CIA operation in my mind, I formulate a procedure for avoiding confrontations with her that involved putting on a tear filled, sorrowful facial expression (always an effective strategy when you’re in your childhood years).
Eventually, the pace of Hot Wheels deliveries slowed down as the 25th drew closer. Mattelstill hadn’t delivered all the cars I hoped for, but I decided it’s best not to get too greedy. Otherwise I could slip up and get exposed. Something big was in the works too, since my mom told my sisters and I that she would check the afternoon mail.
The magical morning finally arrived as the girls played with their Barbie Dollaccessories, and other female obsessions. Meanwhile I upon opening my presents was stunned to discover that I’d actually received twenty-four cars instead of the fifteen I thought I’d be showered with. Once again I was forced to put on my thespian cloak and act surprised.
Was the experience worth it? You darn right it was, and I’ll never look at post office boxes in the same way. My Birthday was on the horizon, so the next day I quickly volunteered to check the afternoon mail during the month of January.
