This essay was actually written in January of 2015, but I’ve found the time in my busy schedule to change a few things, delete a few others, and update it to fit this time of year. Now that those of us in the mountains are fully into the physical preparation phase to get ready for the upcoming ski season, I’ve chosen to re-post this particular essay (with changes) for all you couch potato types out there. Enjoy!!

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No Sweat Excuses

In case you’re crossing your fingers and hoping we’ve already passed the statute of limitations, fat chance buddy. Those of you getting ready for the winter ski season and along those lines needing to up your level of physical conditioning, aren’t so lucky. You’re probably saying to yourself, “Damn, how much longer before I can use the passage of time as a legitimate excuse to put those pie-in-the-sky intentions where they belong, in the corner round file. How many more days before I can fall into La-la Land without feeling guilty about not coming within ten blocks of the gym, let alone actually walking into the place and (God Forbid) working out?”

Instead of adversely affecting your health by feeling guilty, maybe the best thing is to come up with more elaborate excuses? Sounds pretty good, actually that’s a really nice way to avoid thinking about the issue.

First off, we need to take into consideration that terrible ice storm that happened a few weeks ago. Ironic isn’t it? There’s such a fine line separating low-pressure systems into Winter Wonderlands and Class V Kill Storms? Those weather conditions in late September were definitely Murder intensity.

Then there’s the fact that your team lost in the play-offs and didn’t get into the World Series. Actually, that’s your fault since as we all know you weren’t supposed to look at the TV screen whenever our guys got close to tying the score. You did, and boy did the team pay for it. How else can we explain why they failed to score with the bases loaded and nobody out? That devil incarnate pitcher for the bad guys managed to get your batter at the plate to hit into a double play, then immediately follows that by striking out your next hitter. Don’t mess with these quasi-religious beliefs you moron. Whoever said they’re irrational thoughts doesn’t take into consideration the negative impacts of not following them.

Why do these so-called expert psychiatrists keep saying inanimate objects don’t have human emotions? Every superstitious type knows they do, and when does your TV not talk back to you? There have been all sorts of situations when it sure seemed like the couch was quietly, but persistently urging you to get back on it. That thing is lonely and why would you even consider ignoring it. For the couch’s sake that gym visit can wait.

Of course, there’s all the other smaller exemptions. Can you imagine all the grief you would’ve gotten if you had neglected to attend your nephew’s Birthday party? What about that trip to the grocery store? You promised your wife you’d do that and you’re a real heel if you go back on your word. You had to eat all those free food samples once you got there too. If you hadn’t, can you even envision the disappointment on the face of that store clerk? Not a pretty sight, is it?

What about your uncles’ unexpected visit? Why should it matter that you haven’t talked to the guy in over a decade. Obviously, you’re expected to entertain him. That’s only the polite thing to do and it sure wouldn’t look very nice if you just up and left him at home. Twiddling his thumbs while you’re gallivanting around at the gym. How rude and inconsiderate!!

The ultimate excuse and very valid as far as these things go, is the appearance thing. You know what I’m talking about. Lying in bed that night, envisioning your initial tour of the gym on Sept. 30^th. All those muscle-bound gym regulars walking around with fake smiles on their faces and those Hollywood wanna-be aspirations of theirs. Do you really want to end up working out to the point where you’re looking like some sort of Adonis Man-beast and embarrassing the wife by looking better than her every time the two of you go out on the town? As far as your marriage goes, don’t jeopardize things.

Better to maintain a paunch on the old gut and give yourself the appearance of a normal American male. Besides, all those gym rat types are just a bunch of unnatural freakazoids when you get right down to it. Why would you even want to turn into one of them?

It’s a darn good thing you’ve had an opportunity to strategically analyze this whole gym thing. Thinking logically about it, do any of those nutritionists and doctors telling us we need to exercise in order to maintain a trim figure really know what they’re talking about? No, probably not.