Collecting The Laughs (Part II)
May 1, 2015
Land of the Free, Home of the Brainless(Silverton Style)
May 29, 2015
I’ve tabulated the favorite essays of the readers and culled it down to the top 20. Also worked up a list of how they’ll go in the book. The following missive was originally posted in mid-July of 2013 and will become the first treatise in the book. Very popular with lots of friends and family when I first wrote it.
Word Count: 795
You Can’t Blame it
On the Altitude
Is there anyone you know who doesn’t think I’m different? Probably not, what some folks don’t realize is that growing up in Silverton most people have noticed that I’ve always been this way. Not much you can do about that, and trying to change my behavior is sort of like attempting to manipulate the weather here in Colorado so it isn’t so schizophrenic.
In fact, a buddy has this theory that my body actually works better at higher altitudes. Down at sea level he claims I’m a slobbering idiot, while at upper elevations my mind functions in a higher capacity. I look forward to the day when I can build spend more time in the Himilayas. Specifically in order to test this theory out by writing the equivalent of a PhD. Dissertation.
You can’t blame my eccentric behavior on the altitude though. More a combination of variables including the background of me and my sisters, nature, nurture, and massive sugar consumption since our family owned a grocery store. In my case over-stimulation mentally due to the reading of too many comic books can also be factored in.
So let’s examine certain notable examples of this quirkiness shall we? Part of my strange behavior can be blamed on relatives. A close one lived in the house across Main Street, and during the preparation of dinner mom would often borrow ingredients from next door. Needing an egg one evening, she sent me across the street to borrow said item.
My cousin, who maintained a striking resemblance to Fidel Castro with his full beard, asked me if my mom needed a chicken egg or a rooster egg. For a five-year-old kid this was a huge conundrum, and my kinsman offered to assist me in this matter. Specifically by dialing my mom so I could ask her which form of the ingredient she desired. To this day we’ll still never know what type of egg I ended up bringing back to the house.
As we all know, Silverton winters are almost too long. First off, some of you that know my love for skiing might not believe that I just wrote that, but I did. Deal with it.
You’re trapped in the house for inordinately long periods of time and you either seek psychiatric counseling later in life, or come up with creative solutions. Being stuck indoors, it’s amazing the interesting strategies and environments in which my sisters and I created for ourselves.
That staircase leading up to the second floor? Suddenly it’s been transformed into a precipitous cliff you and your colleagues are attempting to scale. Vicious Velociraptors and other bloodthirsty flying dinosaurs are attacking you from all sides as you climb higher and higher up the cliff face. It isn’t easy, but somehow you manage to inch your way to the top.
Is it possible to get from the living room to the kitchen without touching the floor and suddenly being fatally electrocuted? Definitely, and strategically positioned furniture and that windowsill ledge aid you in this endeavor.
Can you ride that new skateboard from the dining room into the kitchen? Of course you can, just make sure you do this activity when mom isn’t home. Act totally innocent and stupid when she asks where all those black scruff marks on the new linoleum came from.
In fact, it’s probably best to do lots of these indoor activities when neither parent is home. That way you can always lie to the babysitter and sometimes it actually works. Needless to say, I’m thinking summer is probably most parent’s favorite time of the year for obvious reasons. I know it is for lots of adults in Silverton.
When I got into my teen years the eccentricity quotient got pushed up another notch or three. All of sudden my friends and I started doing stuff that some people might consider the realm of oddballs and eccentrics. Most folks didn’t say much about our actions primarily because they chalked it up to irregular teenage behavior. Somewhat out of the norm, but they’re teenagers so what you going to do about it, nothing.
Notable examples included collaboration on the production of a cartoon for the high school newspaper, massive viewing of sitcoms on Silverton’s one and only television station, and running for high school dictator instead of Homecoming King. Complete with a campaign poster placed outside the door of the teacher’s lounge. In retrospect, this probably wasn’t a very affective election strategy.
Now that I’ve achieved adulthood the eccentricity has only been enhanced rather than suppressed. Maybe I need to steer my life course in a more sedate, normal direction? Naaah doesn’t really make for much of an interesting case study on extreme eccentricity.
