Letting Loose With The Unfairness Gripes
March 7, 2015
Committing Abnormal Behavior With Total Impunity
April 3, 2015
This essay was originally sent around to a few humorous Internet sites about a month ago with the usual rejects following. I liked it too much to just let the essay sit on the hard drive of my computer. Result, here it is. Rather appropriate since today is the Vernal Equinox.
Word Count; 743
Springtime
Fitness
Don’t you think society is a bit unrealistic expecting you to just saunter out the door of your humble abode with the intention of exercising and looking the way you presently do? You damn right that’s a huge imposition. The winter season has been long, cold, and wet with more than it’s fair share of snow having to be distributed from point A to point B. Now that we’re getting our first span of decent weather in God only knows how long, you need time to ease into the season. Slowly, carefully, and not like a student driver gunning it up to 85 the first time they get the car keys in their greedy little palms.
You’re cringing at what you may discover, but the first thing you need to do is find a head-to-toe mirror and stand in front of it. You’re kidding right? Hardly. All that time spent lounging on the couch with the remote control firmly entrenched in your hands has made a difference. Let’s be honest shall we? If the product testers at Save-More Pharmacology need an individual to test the added strength of their new digital bathroom scale you’d be their boy.
Of course it doesn’t help your appearance either that you’ve single-handily financed the college tuition fund of your corner grocer’s daughter. All those food purchases during the past year have added up and very few of them were those so-called “healthy” items. Physiologically sound? What a bunch of malarkey. You ate only salads and fruit for an entire week last fall and that didn’t reduce those thirty extra pounds one iota. In addition, taste was more or less non-existent. What taste? Who are these nutrition people trying to kid? Not you, that’s for sure.
Since the perfection of weight reduction pill technology isn’t on the horizon any time soon, we’ll have to explore the exercise option. Lucky for you, our imaginers have come up with a few viable solutions to address this appearance problem.
Let’s say you have a sibling or close relative who bears a striking resemblance to yourself. The two of you are often mistaken for one another and there are all sorts of occasions when you both used this to your advantage. Here’s another one.
Your relative is almost as big boned as you so why not switch places? At least for the first month or so that you’ve scheduled to exercise out in public. While he’s out there sweating up a storm, you’ll be doing the things he normally does while indoors. This should work. At least until your appearance improves enough to avoid embarrassment, then the two of you switch back.
Only one problem with solving it this way. Having to spend extra time with that bitch-ass wife of his doesn’t sound too appealing. In fact, let’s avoid using this plan of attack entirely.
This next one is a more viable option. You’ve obviously seen and heard about those fake Japanese Sumo-wrestler suits. Why not look into purchasing one and putting it on every time you step out the door to exercise? Definitely a bit of an embarrassment and this almost seems like it’s counter-productive to our main intention of trying to look good while hanging out in public.
Let’s look at this from another perspective though. That first month or so that you’re grunting and groaning with the fake costume on won’t be much fun. It’s hot, sweaty and you’ll probably be wondering what sort of crime you committed to deserve this abuse. The day you exercise without putting it on will be a revelation. The neighbors that have grown used to you waddling down the block looking like a complete slob will suddenly discover this swan-like Adonis figure delicately prancing down the street. Looking good will is a total understatement.
Who are we kidding? You went to an art museum once and saw a painting from Greek mythology of that Adonis character. You’ll get to that level of fitness right after scientists have perfected broccoli that doesn’t make you want to gag every time you bite into it.
Thankfully you live in a place where there isn’t really much of a transition from winter into summer. When folks ask what you did last spring it isn’t that uncommon to tell them you went on a picnic that day. Once summer hits you can use that as a legitimate excuse to justify not setting foot outside.
