This essay is a classic example of just how difficult it is to get published (self-publishing and blog posts don’t count…) in this day and age. A longer version of this essay was originally written and sent to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency out in San Francisco. Unfortunately, their main editor rejected it (oh well). Then some editorial changes were made, and an updated version of the essay was sent to Shouts & Murmurs, the arm of The New Yorker that publishes humorous & satirical content. This was over two months ago, and more than likely I’ll probably never hear back from them, yea or nay. Finally, an abbreviated version of the essay (what you’re presently about to read…) was written and sent to the editors at Funny Times. A humorous/satirical publication. I’ll probably never heard back from them either, so I’m posting the essay to the blog today. I don’t plan on ever stopping this whole writing thing regardless of what transpires, and in the grand scheme of things life goes on…

Word Count: 684

Navigating Those

Strange Changes

David G. Swanson

The prospect is scary We’re sailing in uncharted waters with this whole post-pandemic thing. A person might even compare the situation to that of the early European explorers. Boldly in search of riches to send back to the king & queen, fame, fortune, a passage-way to the far-east, and innovative ways to manipulate the natives whenever they bumped into them.

In the case of the early explorers, they had to confront dangerous odds. What if the world is as flat as all those religious folks claim? How do you avoid sailing off the edge without getting motion sickness? Hopefully, the ocean current along the edge is gentle. Once the ship begins teetering on the precipice, can you jump overboard and swim to an island? If the early explorers did this, did they encounter hideous sea creatures? What about the possibility that the ship won’t have provisions to meet their exacting food & drink requirements? These were just some of the expectations the early explorers confronted. Is it any wonder some of them met their maker in somewhat interesting ways?

Now the situation is entirely different for society in the post-pandemic world.  Little by little, we’re getting vaccinated and there are hidden side benefits. You’ve now had the tracking app. safely implanted, and have now become compatible with your smart-phone soft-ware features (the most updated version…). Beside allowing our alien overlords to have easier access to our daily routines, this also provides us with an opportunity to carry out practices that we used to think were private prior to the lockdown. You’re being monitored 24/7 from up above (or down below as the case may be…). Is this exciting, or what?

Not having to spend time trapped in the house with members of your family sounds pretty sweet too. Your nightly routine of dinner with the other members of your family entourage (including the heated discussions about one’s social calendar) is now a thing of the past. The end of pandemic lockdown presents the prospect of spending more time concentrating on the things that really matter. Devoting more of our waking hours to the multitude of functions your smart-phone provides. That’s why the stuff was installed?

You’ll also have more time to concentrate on projects you ignored prior to lockdown. Planning revenge on your neighbor for borrowing that leaf blower, coming up with creative excuses to not clean that gutter, or forcing yourself to eat that entire carton of cookie-dough ice cream in a single sitting.  Difficult task, but somebodies got to do it, and you’re just the person to make the sacrifice.  How noble of you?

There are of course drawbacks to the lockdown ending. That mask some folks complain about wearing out in public? Because we’ve worn one for the past year, it’s now a wardrobe essential. Your collection of the things is huge? Why even consider not wearing one? In fact, it should now be worn at all times (both publicly and privately), and legislation is being drawn up to make this a mandatory part of every person’s wardrobe. Contact your congressman (or congresswoman…) concerning this.

We’re accustomed to participating in Zoom type meetings. They’ve become a regular part of our daily lockdown work routine, and most businesses now require them. The participation restrictions (if there were any to begin with…) have been relaxed even more. Going pant-less is actually a pretty mild Zoom practice. Changing your baby’s diaper while in that Zoom meeting? Sure. Building your son’s science project while on Zoom? Why not.  Extra points for creativity..

Social Distancing has been re-defined too. Now we’re required to have close contact with other human beings.  Make sure that the person you’ve chosen is someone you prefer. Otherwise, you’re hugging a close enemy. Maybe you’re into that sort of thing, so does it matter who’s been chosen as your new frenemy?

Everybody wants reliable, accurate, information to bring this Lockdown to an end. That’s what we’re here for, to help you navigate uncertain waters. Making every effort to provide information so you’ll have an unfulfilled void in your life.