Job Bartering For Fun and Profit
May 16, 2014
Sweet, Sweet Solstice in Silverton
June 13, 2014
This essay was actually written in early March of this year in response to watching this wing-nut conservative congressman rail against legalized marijuana in Colorado and Washington. Even though I knew it was a pointless gesture on my part, I yelled back at the TV- telling the guy to go back to making speeches at the next Flat-Earth society meeting.
Right after writing the essay I sent it to the editors at McSweeneys Internet Tendency in San Francisco. They liked it, but still rejected the piece. Right after that I made a few changes to the essay, then sent it to the editors at The New Yorker. They rejected it as well. So I figured what the Hell and decided to put this on my blog. Enjoy!!
Word Count: 768
Damn Right All Of Us Are
Higher Than a Kite
They’ll be selling snow cones in Hell before any of us admits it, and the majority of individuals in this state are presently laughing their asses off. Best of all, its happening behind the backs of all you bozos in the rest of the country (with the notable exception of our friends in Washington state). What am I talking about? Pot legalization in Rocky Mountain state of course. Colorado for all you Neanderthals living under a rock.
You should’ve known this was going to happen when the referendum passed overwhelmingly back in November of 2012. Originally we knew something drastic had to be done about the huge percentage of people in their 20’s & 30’s suffering from Glaucoma in our state. At first we thought this health catastrophe was because of the altitude and our thin air. That was in fact the original reasoning behind the Medical Marijuana Initiative. Then some of us realized we needed to totally legalize possession of the Herb in order to effectively address our problem. Now the time has come to totally come clean, even though we’ve done a pretty effective job of completely fooling you people.
Here are the facts. Now that we’ve freed up the hands of our law enforcement individuals by as Bob Marley used to say, “Legalizing It Mon,” everyone and their cousin in this state is serendipitously in a perpetual stupor. We’re dazed and confused, baked to a golden brown, walking around with a permanent smile plastered all over our faces. We’ve secretly re=set the speed limit for motorists to 20 or 40 miles below the posted signs. In other words, if the metal poster says 55 mph, we’re actually driving at 10 or 15. We’re doing this when most of you out-of-staters aren’t present of course. Some of us have almost been caught crawling, but luckily we’ve initiated an elaborate system of hand signals and fair warning alerts. This allows natives in a crispy state of mind to immediately hit the gas pedal when they receive a signal about possible “Clueless 48er’s” is on the highway.
They’ve got a similar fair warning system up in the Northwest, although they haven’t had time to refine it as intricately as we have. We had a head start and began figuring out a system the “Day After Armageddon”(in the words of most individuals living south of the Mason-Dixon Line) back in November of 2012.
We’ve come close to messing up a few times. The free flow of buds throughout the state has almost led to a few out-of-state mucky-mucks finding out about the system. We almost got caught before and after Super Bowl XLVIII too. It’s a little know fact that we threw the game because we owed the folks in Washington for some special Herb they secretly shipped to us (via the same route as the Keystone Pipeline while all those tree huggers weren’t looking no less). Enough to supply the entire state so we were forced to pay back those argyle-wearing stoners big time.
The scam almost fell apart when that Manning character screwed up during a press conference and said he was going to tell all his friends back in Indiana about the deception. Luckily we paid him a substantial sum of money to keep his mouth shut and he made some sort of joke to deflect any suspicions.
The only thing that confuses me is this; why haven’t large junk food conglomerates like the Frito-Lay Corporation and Hostess lobbied to legalize use of the drug throughout the country? You think they would, after all it would probably lead to a substantial increase in their collected revenue. Makes good business sense. It has here in Colorado.
So why haven’t they legalized it in Vermont or Hawaii? Folks are probably too busy trying to stay warm up in New England and its already freely distributed on the islands. How else do you explain why spam sales are so huge there? It’s definitely not the taste of the stuff.
So where do we go from here? Actually nowhere. The deception scam we’ve set up is so elaborate and effective that none of you people even has an inkling that it’s happening. Collected tax revenue has gone through the roof since the first of the year, and traffic accidents have had a substantial decline. Very few of us are driving except when we go up to the mountains to ski or snowboard. You want to be sufficiently baked when you’re headed up the hill to do that.
