The Movie Obsession Pipeline (Silverton Style)
September 6, 2013
Stealth Robbery (Silverton Style)
October 4, 2013
This essay was originally sent to The New Yorker about a month ago. Then rejected (of course) re-edited a bit, and re-submitted to the folks at McSweeney’s out in San Francisco. They rejected it too, but on the bright side the editor said they liked it. Rejected because he said the piece was too “essayish”. Whatever that’s supposed to mean?
Word Count: 879
Game Descriptions for
The Uninitiated
What red blooded American male doesn’t love watching football more than life itself? Many females in this country for that matter too. Rough and tumble controlled mayhem where the players clothe themselves in over-sized shoulder guards and T-shirts. They wear weird helmets complete with face guards that stick out five or six inches beyond the actual helmet. These facial protectors are tailor-made for being grabbed onto.
No, I’m not describing a game where a ball can only be touched by a player’s foot and often referred to by the other three quarters of the planet as futbol. I mean American football; you know, where the offensive players line up in a straight line facing their opponent. An oval shaped ball is passed between one player’s legs (a bizarre pseudo-sexual physical act?) into the hands of another player.
This player then steps back and attempts to do one of three things. 1. Run into the backside of a teammate. 2. Hand the ball to another colleague who then tries to advance the object down the field. Or 3. The first player attempts to toss the ball great distances further down the pitch into the arms of another co-worker. This all sounds basic and incredibly simple doesn’t it? Good thing we’ve introduced a business aspect into it. This has enhanced, and therefore complicated the game.
Many American football fans refer to August as the “Golden Time”. Summer with its myriad of outdoor activities, over-consumption of barbequed meats, and lounging in a pool of one’s own sweat is on the wane. Training camps in preparation for another exciting season of football have begun, and soon every sports channel will be broadcasting matches.
Television channels if they aren’t broadcasting the match frequently refer to those individuals not watching the event as low-life scum. This is a justifiable assessment of one’s character. After all, if you aren’t watching your team while they’re competing, then you must have morals lower than the underside of a common cockroach.
There are basically three types of football. The first two are training grounds for professional gridiron, the most advanced form of the organized violence we are describing.
Form #1 is high school football. This basic level is extremely popular in many areas of America. Friday nights when matches are conducted, is considered a religious undertaking where the faithful attend games in fanatical fervor. Attendees have a psychotic look in their eyes, but this is due to massive consumption of alcoholic beverages more than anything else.
The next level of the game referred to as college football, is played by athletes at a slightly higher level of intensity. Although they aren’t paid for their efforts, college football players are considered important emissaries for their institutions of higher learning and treated as such. This despite the fact that many college football athletes are just barely above functional illiteracy.
The ultimate level of the game is professional football. Here the intensity level has been ratcheted up that much more and athletes are very serious. The plays are more complicated, hits much harder, and the outcome of matches very apocalyptic. Therefore business practices are considered extremely cataclysmic.
Professional teams compete to qualify for the season ending playoffs. As some fatalistic coach once said, “Winning ain’t everything, it’s the only thing.” On a professional level this maxim is very true for coaches in organizations that qualify for these playoffs. They can avoid being fired for their efforts if the team makes the playoffs.
Not always, sometimes even though the team has qualified for the playoffs coaches are still dismissed. This action by the team’s management can be somewhat perplexing, but do not fear. Quite often coaches move onto rewarding secondary careers as salesman of standup refrigerators in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.
For teams that have fought and succeeded through every step of the playoffs the ultimate contest is the Super Bowl. The ending battle and often referred to by individuals who spend a great deal of time criticizing anything and everything as, “A mediocre contest surrounded by a festival of Bacchanalian Excess”. This criticism is justified since celebrations surrounding the big match are more exciting than the actual game.
Another aspect of this Super Bowl contest that should never be overlooked is the business entities that advertise their product during the big game. Tremendous amounts of money are paid for advertising time during the broadcast of the game. Therefore many people to watch the Super Bowl for its commercials as opposed to the game itself.
The team that wins this Super Bowl contest quickly achieves demi-God status. Their most valuable player is rapidly booked to appear on every other late night television program. A mandatory visit to Disney World soon follows. Soon these MVP’s are signing new contracts to play another few years for the winning Super Bowl team. New compacts often end up paying the individual the equivalent of many third world countries’ GDP.
We hope that this brief description of American football has cleared up some of your more perplexing queries concerning the game. Football can be a very exciting sporting event, and many people plan their entire weekend around viewing their favorite team’s latest match. Their entire earthly existence actually.
