The Coveted Plastic Monkey (Silverton Style)
June 27, 2013
TV That Talks Back at You!!
July 26, 2013
This essay was actually written in spring of this year and got sent to the usual literary magazines and websites that cater to folks who enjoy humorous essays. I got the usual rejections soon after that. On the bright side the editors at one of them said the essay had “evident merit”whatever that’s supposed to mean? They still rejected it. Cest la vie..
Freestyle Computer
Raging
I defy you to show me a single person who doesn’t like to ##### and moan when things aren’t going their way while working at the computer. It doesn’t really change the situation one-way or the other whether they decide to complain or not. Regardless, somehow it helps to ease the pain if you’re allowed to freely rant. Plus in certain predicaments it’s also a lot of fun while you’re doing it. You derive this perverse, sadistic-like enjoyment while groaning about all manner of things, don’t you?
My latest nonsensical rage concerns just that. A big part of my job as the manager of a hotel involves taking reservations from future patrons of our establishment. Inputting this information on the computer, and ultimately I’m asked to do some analytics for the data I’ve just inputted into the system.
All sounds pretty basic, right? Actually not so much. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m using modern technology, which some of my friends and certain members of my family consider to be a very small step above various forms of voodoo magic. Quite possibly the fact that some of the analytics requires me to extract information through a number of complex steps. Getting the information I need isn’t always as easy as it sounds either. Like climbing Mount Everest with a trusty pair of rusted roller skates strapped to my feet.
A lot of times you’re expected to just know what windows to open on the companies website, and that’s whether or not you’ve ever had any sort of dealings with their system. The classic example for me is logging onto the homepage for a company that books reservations at our hotel. The resulting headache it creates makes victims of the Spanish Inquisition look like they were involved in a funfest.
First you’re asked to formally log in with your password. This in itself isn’t such an easy task. Have you produced one yet for this particular login? If not, you need to create an access code that has a strong character profile. It must be eight characters in length, five of the letters have to be lower case and two of the symbols must be numbers instead of letters. It’s best to include an asterisk or two in the password. The strength of one’s password will determined your ability to avoid it being stolen by nefarious Mexican Drug Cartel operatives.
Let’s say you created the password six months ago. Now you’re faced with two conundrums. 1. Do you remember what it is? 2. Where did you safely hide it? Hopefully the signature is in a secret, undisclosed, setting. One that only your great grandmother can tell you the location of from her grave in Hong Kong.
What happens if the write-in symbol you input has been changed without your knowing about it? Don’t act skeptical or laugh. This sort of thing has taken place and I’m a first hand witness to the phenomenon. Fortunately for this particular problem I was able to establish contact with my mythical CIA handler. Soon discovering where I’d hidden the secret password, and right after that extracting the vital information. Eventually finding myself inputting the correct insignia into the system-no problem.
Then the boss asked if I could print out a report for the entire month detailing all the bookings we had at the hotel. Since I hadn’t done this before it forced me to do all sorts of trial-and-error punching on the computer keyboard. Basically clicking at any and all windows my trusty little mouse switch could access.
After doing this for about an hour I then decided to pick up the telephone and call the companies 1-800 number to get some technical support. This would definitely solve the problem at a much faster rate and therefore be a better utilization of my time. Some psychologist hit the nail squarely on the head when they said most males are violently opposed to asking for directions unless absolutely necessary.
The tech support guy was very helpful and soon I was opening all sorts of windows to access information. Looking like I actually knew what I was doing too while I sat there. I then gave instructions for the computer to print out the monthly stay report and congratulated myself on reaching the summit for another of life’s emotional mountains. At that point the paper jammed in the printer and I spent another half hour fixing it.
Now what if you’re asked to fill out a form, but for some odd reason a glitch in the system prevents you from proceeding forward? Due to no fault of my own, this actually happened and all sorts of new and interesting annoyances resulted. Right after I’d filled out a form related to reservations, then submitted it through the proper channels I was forced to wait. In this case a few days transpired before logging back on to find out what the status of the form was. Expecting to discover that all was well and that the application was being processed with little or no problems, what should be awaiting me but this:
The requested HTTP444 RL/Online Reservation application/Login/aspx Version information MicroSoft. Net. Framework version 4.89650021. asp.net model #4.987472 has experienced a server error with the online application. The resource you are looking for (or its dependencies) could have been removed, deleted; its name changed, and is temporarily unavailable. Please review the following RL request #4.89650021 for spelling correctness. Then re-input the information and a correct version will be processed. We apologize for this inconvenience. Valuable resources are being reallocated at this time to fix the problem.
Needless to say, I didn’t have to rely on any online dependencies to ensure sufficient rage on my part at that particular moment. Actually spend the next three hours trying to figure out how a RL/Online Reservation application/ Login/aspx version information MicroSoft.net.framework version 4.89650021 works (still trying to decipher its actual meaning too). Then I ended up filling out the application once again. Resubmitted it, and finally crossed my fingers in the hopes that somehow the President and Congress would learn to work together among other fairy tales.
So you might be thinking, bad luck with computer usage seems to latch onto this guy like extra inches showing up on a fat guy’s waistline. Not necessarily. I’ve actually utilized the company computer to organize a lot of my comic book collection. In this case though, I’m quite starry eyed and slobbering profusely while leafing through the items in my compilation. Inputting their status on the computer seems like there’s very little amiss. Nothing like entering into your fantasy world to make you feel like life is one big bowl of cherries.
Now what’s the big thing I’ve learned from this experience? Basically that no matter how complex and undecipherable the system may seem nowadays, it’s probably a lot more comfortable to work with than the way it was in the past. Besides, it’s theoretically much easier and therefore more satisfying to complain about computer technology. There isn’t an entity talking back at you so you’re able to yell and scream at it to your hearts content.
