This is an essay I sent to the Editor of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, which is basically the west coast version of The New Yorker’s Shouts-n-Murmurs-the humorous column for the magazine. I’ve sent the guy so much stuff in the last seven years, that we refer to each other on a first name basis whenever the two of us correspond back and forth. He  rejected it,  but I’ll keep sending them my writing output, and sooner or later something will  click. Once again my mantra holds, “Don’t get bitter, get better.” This essay is short and sweet. Hope you enjoy it.

Word Count: 756

• The Case for

• Alternative Facts

Partially due to the results of the most recent presidential election, a mass psychosis has kicked in big time for a certain segment of the American population. Rather than immediately getting on your Facebook page to scream and yell like an obstinate toddler whose diaper badly needs changing, or joining an out-of-control pitch-fork yielding mob, we need to embrace and learn to work within the construct of this new and innovative way of thinking and acting. Make lemonade out of the lemons you’ve been dealt, or more appropriately create a workable (more or less) plan for living within our new universe.

This new way of doing things may not work, but since it’s using our smart phones in a unique manner we need to put our best foot forward and give this a try. What we got to lose? Maybe our precarious grasp on reality, but that was hanging by its snack food stained fingertips off the side of a cliff to begin with.

So when was the last time you had to explain to your significant other why you forgot to stop off at the corner grocery on your way home to get that loaf of bread? I know, I know-you can pretty much set your clock to it since the practice happens on a regular basis. Before the family begins instituting those psychiatric tests to determine whether or not you’re exhibiting signs of Early Onset Alzheimer’s why not use some alternative facts to get yourself out of this mess.

Your infinitely stimulating job as a data input drone becomes a valuable resource in this situation. Right after you’ve gotten off the phone with explicit instructions to buy those extra cartons of yogurt on the drive home, post haste come up with some work related alternative facts.

For example, you got so wrapped up with working on that monthly inventory report you weren’t planning on doing till the day before it was due, and the resulting yogurt purchase got put on the back burner of things to do. You forgot. Example #2; Your work colleague, who’s turned doing nothing and taking all the credit for it into a refined science, asked for a loan and this caused you to misplace your wallet. Subsequently, you didn’t have any way to pay for that acidic-laced, semisolid foodstuff you were supposed to get. You’ve never liked that new brand of minimal taste garbage the wife wants everybody to eat so this alternative strategy just might work.

Embellish the scenario even more by telling the family you became so embarrassed when you grabbed the yogurt off the shelf then had no way to pay for it when you got to the front counter. How humiliating, especially since you snuck into the 10-items-or-less lane with twenty cartons of the foodstuff. Those dirty looks you got from the other patrons weren’t pretty, and if looks could kill the cemetery people would already be shoveling soil onto your permanent dirt nap even as we speak.

As the old saying goes, “think outside the box”, when using alternative facts. Your favorite basketball team has had a humiliating season on par with that of the perpetual Harlem Globetrotter loser opponent-the Washington Generals. When someone asks why the team is so bad use alternative facts to justify their status. The whole reason the team keeps losing is because they’re short handed. From the very beginning as it turns out.

Your team’s personnel acquisition agent grew up on a remote island in the south Pacific and had no idea the game of basketball is basically a big man’s sport. As a result, he recruited heavily at the Midget Consortium of America headquarters and the average height of your starting five is now 4’ 6”. Obviously the team is short-handed in a different sort of way. Let’s face it, from the very first moment of tip-off the team is at a slight disadvantage, except when competing against area grade school teams of course.

Some might be tempted to think this use of “alternative facts” is basically just another form of lying. In actuality it shouldn’t be thought of that way, and technically it isn’t. Rather, we need to look at the use of these bits of information as a way of discovering new and previously hidden, but wonderful chunks of knowledge.

You’ve always enjoyed the simple act of uncovering something original and unique. Now life is presenting you with all sorts of opportunities to do this.