Creative Ways to Pay Off the Loans (Short Story – 4403 Word Count)

This past spring I had a very interesting conversation with a huge supporter of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. One of the subjects he kept bringing up was how financially strapped so many people become with college loan repayments upon graduation, and Sander’s proposals to make college affordable for all Americans. This got me to thinking and the result is what you’re presently looking at. Written in August.
Word Count: 4403
Creative Ways to
Pay Off the Loans
Seems like now days more than ever a lot of young people
are being forced to take out loans in order to get through their
under graduate or post grad. college days. By the time they get
done with their plunge into higher education, some of them are
buried in debt up to their neck. To such a large extent that
their idle threat while in a state of extreme inebriation has
some validity to it. You know the one I’m talking about. The
proclamation whereby they’ll just disappear off the map. Move to
some tropical island in the South Pacific, change their
identity, and become a drug smuggling charter boat captain.
What if I was to tell you about this guy who adamantly
refuses to let his postgraduate lifestyle become weighed down by
massive college debt. Rather than let these nasty little
pg. 1
liabilities hang over him like a persistent head Cold; he’s
decided to pay them off in record time. Come Hell or High Water
in fact. Nelson Adler (or ”Nelly Payback” as some friends-and
more than a few enemies began to refer to him) was constantly
trying to figure out new and somewhat unorthodox ways to pay off
six years of accumulated higher education loans.
His latest scheme was a wild one too, and as usual Nelly’s
twin-brother Jason knew all about it. Freely giving his
assessment of the current situation. In many ways Jason had
inherited their grandfather’s penchant for randomly dispensing
an opinion about lots of stuff. Like almost everything, Roderick
Adler figured the world was a much better place because he’d
been given ample opportunities to put his superior intellectual
abilities on display.
We find Nelly & Jason nursing nasty hangovers the cold, grey, dawn after a serious night of debauchery. Neither brother was an alcoholic, but they were in their early-30s and something would be seriously wrong with them at their age if they didn’t over-indulge once in awhile.
The basement apartment shared by the Adler siblings:
“Tell me again why this keeps happening to us?” said Nelly
as he continued to rub his forehead in a fruitless attempt to
make the throbbing disappear.
Jason complied. “Well for one thing neither one of us
drinks during the week. Then the weekend rolls around and we
ingest the stuff like tomorrow is the start of Armageddon. Our
bodies push back because we keep forcing them to ingest all this
liquid stuff we probably shouldn’t be sucking down in excess.”
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind next time I open a bottle
of fermented hops.”
pg. 2
“Happy to oblige. Speaking of giving an assessment, once you
paid for the rental of that refrigerated cart you make any money
off that flower bouquet scheme of yours?”
“You mean the construction site one?”
“No, the shuttle flight with a bouquet of roses for the
folks at the International Space Station. Of course I’m asking
about the construction site scheme. What happened?”
“Long story short, by the time I returned the cart, paid
the rental fee, then got my deposit money which I had to borrow
in the first place (with an interest rate no less), I ended up
actually losing money.”
Jason made a back and forth motion with his thumb against
the forefinger. ”You know what this is?”
“No.”
“The world’s smallest violin playing “My Heart Bleeds for you”.
“Then you don’t feel sorry for me?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Then again I do think its kind of noble
how you’re trying to come up with all sorts of moneymaking
schemes to pay off the loans. Even if most of them are crazier
than a homeless vagrant deciding he’s got the financial
resources to erect that skyscraper he’s always wanted to build.”
“Thanks.”
Jake gulped into the first of five or ten bottles of Gatorade he’d be sucking down in the next hour or so. “Might be nice if you could actually find a job that remotely relates to what you studied for six years. Then again finding work as a Greek Mythologist isn’t that easy.”
If looks could inflict serious bodily harm Jake would be
headed to the hospital ICU at that exact moment. “Hey the stuff
is fascinating, that’s why I majored in it,” said Nelly.
pg. 3
“Maybe you should’ve enhanced your Toga? Added a few
emeralds to the suit so you could stimulate interest amongst
potential employers.”
“So now what do you suggest I do?”
“Let’s see, what plans and schemes have you already tried?
Some of your strategies actually looked like they might succeed
when you first came up with them.”
“I thought for sure the flower cart idea would really sell
when I first thought of it?”
“Actually so did I,” said Jake. “You think flowers sold
next to a construction site would be more popular than sliced
bread at a sandwich convention.”
“I guess there aren’t that many guys who cheat on their
wives or girlfriends.”
“Either that or they figure that by the time they’ve been
caught cheating, giving the girlfriend a bouquet of floral
blooms is closing the barn door after the cows have already
gotten out. Unfortunately as we all know, the flower cart scheme
went over like a Lead balloon.”
“Don’t remind me. So what’d you think of me selling my
comic book collection?”
“Why not, you haven’t touched the printed fantasies in
years, let alone actually read any of them. Selling the
collection was also a pretty good idea.”
“Thanks.”
“Then again you’ve got to remember these comic book people
make deeply superstitious sports fans look like well adjusted
members of society.”
“Understatement. I thought for sure that when I found that “Capt. Fantastic” comic book in my collection it was in Near Mint condition. Price guide said it was worth at least $6,000.00. When I read that in the guide I got all excited.”
pg. 4
“Then that buyer tells you because the cover had a slight
discoloration to the it that automatically took the comic down
to Good condition. Only a loss of $5,200.00, how pleasant.”
“Same thing with all those other comic books in my
collection,” said a visibly upset Nelly. ”One little defect and
all these people use that as an excuse to drop the their buying
price by 60% or 70%.”
“Don’t get upset Mr. Trump. Could be worse, could be buried
in debt up to your neck. Oh yeah, you already are. Keep being
enraged Private.”
“Hard not too be.”
“So how many boxes of comic books did you sell that dealer?
More appropriately, how much did the guy rip you off for?”
“Don’t know, I lost track after sending them the last box.
Right before that I decided to go with another way to pay back
the loans. That’s when I came up with the idea for the self-
vacuuming cleaners.”
Jake let out an audible chuckle. “That was the best one.
No, actually it was the worst of all the moneymaking schemes. At
least from the perspective of the customer. Where’d you come up
with the idea for that by the way?”
“I didn’t.”
“Oh yeah, the day you exhibit mechanically inclined abilities is the same one as a Fortune 500 CEO deciding to pick up a night job. At the local fast food restaurant down the block no less.”
“You know my buddy Mike Maynard?”
“M & M?”
“That’s the one. M & M is constantly fiddling around with
engines of one sort or another. He created this thing with
wheels that he then turned into a self-moving vacuum cleaner.
pg. 5
I’m the one who came up with the plan to mass-produce them,
followed by marketing the product.”
“Ingenious. At least until you started selling the things
before M & M had actually worked out any of the kinks. The two
of you even began selling the vacuum cleaners door-to-door,
didn’t you? See, you did find a job related to Greek Mythology.”
“Then those first few people I sold the vacuums to started
calling me to complain. All Hell broke loose when that started
happening.”
“That’s when you got an unlisted telephone number.”
Nelly embarrassingly dropped his head. “I had to do
something to stop the Death Threats.”
“True. Not many people want vacuum cleaners that spit out
debris instead of sucking it up. So now what professor?”
“I’ve still got $60,000.00 in loans left to pay off.”
“That means the creditors will still keep knocking on our
door at 3:00 am?”
“I’ll think of something.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Fear can actually be a great motivator. Despite having less
money than a homeless musician, Nelly had developed a somewhat
extravagant life style. He liked to buy all sorts of new toys,
and travel to beach resorts was pretty much of a regular
occurrence each and every year. The anxiety of having various
college loans hanging over your head wasn’t something Nelly
wanted to hold onto for much longer.
His buddy M & M had recently broken up with a steady
girlfriend and said his ex. complained that he didn’t do enough
as she put it, “serious cuddling time.” This got the wheels in
his friend’s brain spinning, and sure enough Nelly came up with
a way to capitalize on people with similar predicaments.
pg. 6
Within a week of the vacuum cleaner scheme gone awry, he’d
come up with a business plan whereby interested clients could
hire a person to snuggle with. Nelly figured everybody liked to
hug, so why not make some money off it? Self-gratification being
the oldest trick in the book for getting people to part with
their hard earned cash.
Strictly non-sexual in nature, and based on payment by the
hour, Nelly’s business had all sorts of rates geared towards
specific body stances. Most of them while the client and seller
found themselves in a prone position, but not all. Some of the
rates even geared themselves towards individuals who liked doing
their holding from a standing posture.
It wasn’t going to be an easy task, but Nelly was willing
to make the supreme sacrifice and chose himself as the main
cuddler. He didn’t really have to do any of that stuff like
applying for a patent, and going to work every day wasn’t really
going to be too physically demanding. All he basically had to do
was make sure he took two or three showers every day, and set up
an office where he could get the business off the ground. Turns
out this was where he ran into his first big set of roadblocks.
The majority of prospective retail space renters exhibited extreme skepticism when Nelly described the logistics of his prospective business venture. Again and again he kept running up against a brick wall of rejection whenever he checked into renting office space for “A Buncha Bear hugs”. Nobody thought his idea would succeed, let alone make any sort of dent in the paying off of $60,000.00 in unpaid loans.
Things looked grim and it was probably a good thing Nelly
hadn’t told his brother. Having such a hard time getting ABBH
off the ground just didn’t make it sound that promising. Nelly
figured Jake’s reaction would be to tell him full scale male
prostitution might be a better option.
pg. 7
It’s always darkest just before the dawn and fortunately
the office space Nelly ended up with was a fairly good fit. The
back part of a ladies clothing boutique that specialized in the
latest fashions for plus sized gals. The kind of space where
something like ABBH might fit in quite nicely.
At first it did too. A lot of the ladies that walked into, “Laura’s Lotta Clothes” boutique to buy a dress or handbag saw Nelly’s posters and business cards. Mild curiosity gave way to inspired interest in his operation, and soon women began to take full advantage of this highly unusual offering. ABBH even started to build up a steady client base of repeat customers. In an odd sort of way like that last cat video on YouTube. Most folks say they aren’t really that interested in the video once they’ve seen it, but they just keep coming back for more again and again.
After only two months and even though ABBH was starting to
make money, Nelly had grown tired of it. Not really from a
physical standpoint since he never really got tired while on the
job, but from a physical standpoint. Holding onto a variety of
people day in and day out was creating an unusual case of muscle
spasms in the strangest places all over his body.
When he told Jake this, his twin brother commented that Nelly’s brain was finally catching up to his body. As Jake put it, “At least in terms of rejecting the mild mental and physical abuse you’re putting yourself through.” Made sense from a schizophrenic perspective, which some people suspected the Adler brothers were coming from.
Whatever it was, Nelly used the physical maladies he was
experiencing as an excuse to put an end to the ABBH business
venture. That and the fact that a few of the women who were
regular customers had become a bit too amorous during their
pg. 8
sessions with him. Nelly found this somewhat flattering, but on
the whole he wasn’t too enchanted with the situation.
Now he was back at Square #1 and even though another
$5,500.00 had been whacked off the outstanding college loans,
Nelly still had the debt dragon breathing down his neck.
Fortunately, one thing was working in his favor towards digging
himself out of the financial hole.
A regular customer of ABBH happened to be Gretchen Underwood. A high-ranking official on the board of Directors for one of NYC’s largest and most influential advertising agencies. Gretchen wasn’t the biggest mucky muck at McGowan & Sons Advertising, but she did have sizeable influence in terms of who got hired and fired at the firm. How the money was allocated. Basically the one person who might determine whether or not one goes on to a long and fruitful career in the field of publicizing products through McGowan & Sons, or life as a penniless drifter. Nothing that crucial.
One day during one of their sessions, Nelly gave Gretchen
the complete lowdown concerning how he got ABBH off the ground.
Although she was disappointed he was planning to end the
business soon, Gretchen was dully impressed that despite the
fact he didn’t have a formal education in the field of business
advertising, Nelson Adler had been able to get ABBH off the
ground. He’d even turned it into a successful investment. Quite
an achievement considering that a lot of start-ups she’d helped
to get off the ground sank faster than cast iron solid statues
standing in quicksand.
Gretchen brought up the subject of ABBH with one of her colleagues at McGowan & Sons. Milo McGowan was also duly impressed when she told him about the quirky success of the business and its founder.
pg. 9
Milo still had a hard time believing what he was hearing.
“So let me get this straight. The guy starts a business that
caters to women who want to lie in bed and cuddle with a total
stranger?”
“Yup. Although he probably would’ve cuddled in bed or even
stood with a person too. Nelson is pretty open about those sorts
of things.”
“And it isn’t a front for some sort of secret male
prostitution ring? No sex involved?”
“Nope. I couldn’t believe it when I first saw the ABBH posters as I was trying out dresses at “Laura’s Lotta Clothes” either.”
“Despite the fact that it sounds like some sort of bizarre “Couch Potato Dream come-to-life,” he’s able to make the investment succeed?”
“Yes.”
Milo still found it hard to fathom. “This is unbelievable.
The business prospering makes that last start-up I financed look
like a bad clown costume.”
“Which one’s that?”
“You know, “Cigars Plus.” That Drive-through Humidor and Medical Marijuana Dispensary.”
“Oh yeah. By the way, whatever happened to the guy that you
financed?”
“Him. He ended up moving to Arizona. Opened a tanning salon
that failed faster than a stand-up freezer business in
Antarctica. Last time he talked to me was an e-mail he sent from
an Internet café in Honduras.”
Gretchen chuckled. “Probably on the run from his creditors.
Unlike this guy you financed, Nelson Adler made his business
succeed.”
“Wow, and he didn’t study any sort of business in college?”
pg. 10
“Nope. One time his twin brother showed up at the end of our session and asked him if the degree in Greek Mythology came in handy that day.”
“So when he heard that this guy must’ve went ballistic on
his sibling?”
“Nope. Nelson just smiled when his brother said that. He
must be used to getting teased about his degree all the time.”
“Good natured I’m sure. You’ve got to think that’s probably
one big reason the business succeeded.”
“That and the secret business savvy the guy’s got,” said
Gretchen. “Who needs higher education when you’ve already got it
built into your DNA.”
Milo wondered out loud. “Maybe that knowledge of Greek
Mythology helped?”
“Couldn’t hurt. Maybe he’s got this intuitive feel for
turning whacked out theories into business start-ups? Then he
must make them succeed.” Gretchen didn’t know anything about the
previous schemes. “Financially anyway.”
“So when’s the last time you talked to the guy?”
“He sent me an e-mail just last week. Said he’s trying to
figure out a new business venture to pay off the college loans.
Told me he really wants to get rid of them in record time.”
Milo smiled. “Noble. Unlike some folks, he at least wants
to eliminate the debt the day before his AARP application shows
up in the mail.”
“Apparently so.”
“So then the kid isn’t averse to working hard in order to
achieve his goals?”
“At least in some ways. He did tell me he isn’t very
mechanically inclined. Nelson says he’d rather use his brain
than his lack of brawn.”
“Me too.”
pg. 11
“Sometimes I wish his cuddling business was still in
existence.”
“You could use some of it after this week’s fun-fest at
work?”
“Definite understatement.”
“Send him an e-mail and ask the guy if he wants to get
together for lunch. I’ll tag along and pretend I don’t know
anything about his hidden business savvy.”
“Ok.”
Milo and Gretchen got around the awkwardness of his
accompaniment by telling Nelly her friend Milo was an out of
town colleague totally clueless about all the nuances of The Big
Apple, and therefore she had to show him around. He of course
acted accordingly. During the course of their lunch Milo didn’t
act stupid though. Asking lots of insightful and not so-riveting
questions about how Nelly came up with his ideas. What business
practices he followed, and patterns he kept a close eye on to
ensure the venture wouldn’t fail.
At first Nelly was a bit hesitant to tell him anything and
kept trying to change the subject. An easy enough task for him
to pull off since past behavior had given the guy lots of
experience at coming up with off-the-wall, somewhat bizarre
plans and schemes.
Once he warmed up to the situation though, Nelly got very verbose and told them all about the various business ventures he’d started up. He also went into detail about reasons the college loan pay-off schemes had failed. Instead of getting perplexed as to why the defeats occurred faster than the media converging on the latest natural disaster, Gretchen asked him why Greek Mythology happened to be his major in the first place. When Nelly told them he’d always liked fantasies, and the ones
pg. 12
in Aegean Island Fairy Tales represented some of the wildest.
From this perspective his earlier decision to concentrate his
studies in the area made perfect sense.
What also made perfect sense was Milo and Gretchen’s
request to meet with Nelly again later in the week to discuss
the future. As their luncheon date drew to a close Nelly wasn’t
sure why they made this request of him. Then Gretchen mentioned
that some of the most successful entrepreneurs in history also
happened to be the most creatively odd types. Nelly smiled when
he thought of all those times people told him he was on the
leading edge or strangeness. He’d always taken pride in his
quirky nature and this situation was an understatement of the
grossest sort.
Six months later Nelly and Jason found themselves
recovering from yet another night of debauchery. This time they
actually backed off a bit and didn’t get all that drunk. A
gentle recovery such as this would allow them to discuss Nelly’s
future in a somewhat more logical manner.
“So that party was pretty good,” said a scruffy looking
Jason as he stumbled out of his bedroom. “I didn’t get very
wasted and getting over this one won’t be like trying to swim
the English Channel in a lead wet suit.”
Nelly smiled. “Agreed. No constant pounding in my skull
either.”
“Speaking of things being on a constant path, the job at McGowan & Son’s is still progressing a long nicely?”
“Definitely. We just launched our latest ad campaign
yesterday. I’m the one who thought of it so all sorts of
credit’s being thrown my way.”
pg. 13
“Boy oh boy. Glad I won’t be there when your head gets so
big it explodes. Happy I don’t have to clean up the resulting
mess either.”
“Yeah right. You’re just jealous because I’m raking in more
money than you can shake a stick at and subsequently paying off
the loans in record time.”
“Unfortunately I’m forced to admit you’re right this time.
It’s true what they say.”
“What’s that?”
Jason cringed as he voiced it. “The mentally challenged
shall indeed inherit the earth one day. Since we’ve brought up
the subject of eccentric behavior, what’s the latest ad
campaign? Should I be concerned that one of your commercials
might show up on prime time TV?”
“Hopefully. I’d rather that than trying to stay awake till
3:00 am just so I can catch our latest infomercial. You know how
most people get hooked to do some sort of impulse purchase?”
“Completely, and I’m the classic example. Just last week I
walked into this gas station and bought a grease-free glazed
donut with bacon bits in it since I’d never tasted one before.”
“How was it?”
“Ok, but when I ate the donut it seemed like it was
missing something. Maybe the lack of grease took away from its
overall flavor?”
“Could be.” Said Nelly. “So anyway, we gave this start-up
group the financial backing to open a set of impulse buying
convenience stores. Strategically setting up shops in various
spots throughout the tri-state area.”
“Impulse buying convenience stores? Why am I not surprised
you’re involved in this? What do they sell?”
pg. 14
“Depends on where each of the stores happens.” Nelly beamed
as he said it. “Remember that flower cart I had at the
construction site?”
“Good idea, except results don’t always match expectations.
Particularly in this instance.”
“Similar set-up. The stores are like mobile food carts, just a lot bigger and selling more than just flowers. Only thing that’s constant in this case is the name of each store. “Melvin’s Magnificent Mobile Merchandise”.”
“So who’s Melvin? Father of the guy who came up with the
whole operation?”
“Sort of. Melvin is the man who inspired the whole set-up.
He was a regular at his neighborhood bar and kept telling the
proprietors all his ideas for selling merchandise.”
“Like what?”
“All sorts of things. Instant toy stores setting up next
to a pre-school. Shoe stores adjacent to a woman’s workout gym.
How many times have you walked out of a bar right after it
closed at 2:00 am wishing there was a restaurant right next door
to appease your “Jones” for fried food? MM & MM, because the
stores are movable, can constantly relocate to different spots.”
“Interesting. Sort of like selling Girl Scout cookies right
next to a medical marijuana shop. So how do you come in?”
“Actually we’ve got one of those. One day at lunch I’m
telling my colleagues about the flower cart next to the building
construction site. My buddy Milo McGowan said it sounded just
like the latest proposal he was looking into. One thing leads to
another and pretty soon I’m meeting with the proprietors of the
bar and Melvin himself. That’s when we came up with the business
model for MM & MM.”
“So next time I’m driving down the road and see one of
these MM & MM vans blocking traffic its your fault?”
pg. 15
“So far we’ve got three different types of MM & MM vans; 1.
MM & MM Food Stuff-our instant restaurants. 2. MM & MM Garments
& Things-for our potential customers who want the latest
clothing items. 3. MM & MM-Toys for Terrific Tykes-to bite into
the kids market. Finally depending upon how successful we are
with the first three, we may even go with a re-vamped version of
my original flower cart idea.”
“You know something Mr. Ford, this business venture is so
crazy I wouldn’t be surprised if it actually succeeds.”
“We’re cutting edge too since the MM & MM toy & clothing
stores have the latest large screen computer monitors. This
allows customers to order items off the Internet we don’t have
in the MM & MM vans on that particular day. We can speed up this
end of the transaction too since if they order from us we can
guarantee delivery within two days.”
“Total American business model of course, “Sell more stuff
at a faster rate.” How novel is that?”
“Thanks.”
“You know something Nelson my boy, you getting that full time job at McGowan & Sons is probably the best thing that ever happened for paying off the college loans.”
“I’m not paying them off as fast as I’d like, but the pay
off rate is steady so I shouldn’t complain.”
“Yup,” said Jason, a slight look of jealousy painted all
over his face.
“Pretty neat how I’m hitting the Big Time.”
“And you don’t even have a business degree either.
Actually that’s probably a good thing. Might get in the way of
your quirky outlook on life.”
**********END**********
pg. 16
pg. 17