The CoVid-19 Pandemic has been really devastating. If there is a bright side from my perspective, it’s been very fertile creative ground for my writing efforts. Here’s the latest effort.                                                                                                              Word Count: 969

Hidden Strategies to Avoid

 the CoVid-19 Virus

You’re probably thinking to yourself, everything about this CoVid-19 Pandemic is bad. Actually, you wouldn’t be far off the mark with that claim. Everybody is contracting the disease right now, hospitals are over-crowded, their staffs are working harder than a human drone in a North Korean bomb-making factory, death rates keep climbing, and any sort of vaccine to fight the disease is at least 4-5 months away.

In fact, because a lot of people ignored the Corona-Virus when it first started happening in March, things are much worse now than they might’ve been when the pandemic first started happening. A lot of people didn’t take it seriously, and more often than not, folks turned it into a political thing when they shouldn’t have. How many times did you witness a guy screaming, “Nobody is going to tell me I’m supposed to wear a mask!! Infringing upon my God-given, American, rights, not to!!”

     First off, I keep wondering how a lot of these dudes with beards down to their waist can take a shower, much less eat without walking away from the table and not carrying half their food with them? That’s another story for another time though.

Getting back to the matter at hand, all these directives for people to wear a mask really aren’t that extreme. It’s not like you’re being asked to secretly carry a cyanide pill in your mouth to later slip in a nemesis’ drink. It’s a mask, buddy. Put the damn thing on, deal with the minor inconvenience, and quit complaining…     

Enough ranting & raving on my part. Instead, let’s try and find some hidden, happy, linings to all these attempts at slowing the spread of the virus. Here’s a hidden advantage to wearing the mask which nobody even realized.

Suppose you’re participating in a party with lots of other people. Initially, these sorts of things did exist at one time for all those folks who feel like the CoVid-19 pandemic has gone on for the past thirty years. This is most of us actually-by the way, the pandemic hasn’t even been going on for a year…

Having that mask on allows you to say something snarky to the jerk who just backed you into a corner. He or she can’t see what you’re mumbling to yourself, so go ahead and tell them to take a long walk on a short pier. They can’t see you talking to yourself, and that gives you the freedom to have a field day. Hot damn, this is great, and next time I attend a large social gathering, the first thing I’ll do is put the mask on-just so I can walk up to everybody’s favorite asshole and chew them out Silently of course, unless you’ve got a masochistic desire to be punched in the face.

If people look at wearing the mask in this manner, I can actually foresee a social gathering in the future where everyone wears a mask. Even though the pandemic has long since ended, and you don’t have to put a mask on anymore. “Of course, I want that face covering. Who cares that it’ll now cost me $10.00 to buy it off you. Sell it to me, or I’ll grab it instead.”

Now let’s look at this whole, “social distancing” thing. Suppose you’re having to deal with someone you’d prefer to be living on the other side of the planet? Unfortunately, they happen to be your next-door neighbor, and half the tools in their garage now have your name inscribed on them as the owner.

According to the rules for slowing the pace of the virus-spread down, we need to maintain strict social distancing standards at all times when dealing with human being’s other than your family. This includes your uncle Jed on your dad’s side, twice removed-thank God. Also note how I don’t say, “friends” in this instance.

Pleasantly enough, this friend thing also happens to include your neighbor. What a beautiful predicament you’re now facing., Social distancing allows us to adhere to what used to be considered a draconian practice.

Next time a person is getting a little bit too close for comfort, politely (or impolitely as the case may be…) tell them to back off. Do this as your taking out your tape measurer to make that exact measurement of 6’ We’d say more than 6’, but unfortunately, rules don’t allow this.

As for the “borrowed tools” thing? You’re on your own concerning that one, buddy. Maybe you can get them back by telling Mr. Annoying that the CoVid-19 virus has been known to still be transmittable a year or more after a surface has been touched. It’s worth a shot, right?

At this point I’m confused. Maybe the best thing to do is hunker down in our bunkers until the virus has disappeared? Actually, this strategy could work, and there are a lot of advantages to staying in your bunker. Think about it?

First off, from the inside of your bunker, you can dispute the results of an election that didn’t work out in your favor. Works for some folks, but not all.

Now that we’re going into the colder months, the bunker is warm, the place is comfortable, and hopefully, you’ve decorated it to your exacting design standards. Those multiple cans of Spam look pretty good as a dinner choice for the next eight months, don’t they? The same entrée day in and day out gives you time to think up new, more outlandish conspiracy theories.

I hope these suggestions have worked for you. If they haven’t, there’s always the relocation to an isolated island in the South Pacific option. Here you can embark upon a successful career as a hammock-lounging, beach-volleyball worshipping, mercury-laced fish diet, hermit.