There are certain TV shows I’m totally addicted to watching, and this includes “The Simpsons”, “Daily Show”, and the game program that inspired the writing of this short story. The creative inspiration for the following tale hit me this past winter. Interesting side note, I have no desire whatsoever to compete on the show since most of the contestants really put their intelligence on display.

Word Count: 4994

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We All Know Our

Returning Champion

 

You might say I’m obsessed with the show. Then again when is a person considered “obsessed” with something? Now if you look up the definition of the word “obsess” in the dictionary it says, “To become preoccupied intensely or abnormally with something.” So according to that definition you’d have to consider me obsessed with the show. Therefore this obsession is somewhat abnormal behavior, right? I guess. Who in their right mind plans an entire day around being at home every weekday evening so they can tune into a particular show? Quite possibly somebody who still hasn’t taken the time to figure out how to operate his DVD Recorder yet?

Of course I’m not the only one out there who’s obsessed with a particular show either. What about Gretchen Wilberforce next door? That girl plans her Saturday evenings around being home at 6:00 pm so she can tune into old episodes of The Lawrence Welk show on PBS. I’m not quite sure what’s scarier? Her watching the show on a regular basis, or the fact that she’s in the Millennial Generation and has such a totally stimulating life style?

So when exactly did I first start developing this obsession with a game show? You may be asking yourself, what show are we talking about in the first place? Even if you aren’t, I’ll tell you anyway. Only the greatest game show that has ever been created by mankind, JEOPARDY!! The pinnacle, and ultimate summit of television game show viewing. The finest example in TV history of how a game show should be produced and staged for its viewers. Am I overstating my admiration for the show? Do most parents consider their first-born child to be the most beautiful baby ever created?

I distinctly remember that first time I sat through a full episode of JEOPARDY!! I was just starting to develop my speaking and reasoning abilities to their full potential at the ripe old age of ten, and found myself playing at Ernie Bentley’s house. Now Ernie was my best friend at the time, and even though he’s not quite on the same intellectual plane as yours truly these days, at that moment in our lives we happened to be best buds. Does all this sound arrogant? I suppose it does.

Ernie didn’t have the same strong feelings about JEOPARDY!! as yours truly either. Then again most people aren’t as extreme with their feelings as I am. Maybe that’s a good thing when you get right down to it. Maybe it isn’t.

Ernie chose not to clean up after turning the Bentley kitchen into a breeding ground for various bacteria while preparing that most beautiful of snacks for him and his buddy, bowls of cereal. Not that surprising when his mother saw the aftermath, she hit the boiling point and immediately demanded Ernie walk up stairs from our basement video battle and clean up. Under threat of being grounded for the next thirty years, he quickly dropped his console and dashed out of the room.

Having nothing better to do, I turned the TV on and by chance dialed into my first glimpse of JEOPARDY!! That initial round was just finishing up, and Alex Trebeck in his inimitable way told the viewers that the guy in third place would go first in the Double JEOPARDY!! round. For some odd reason I found this statement somewhat intriguing and decided to sit through the next five minutes of mindless commercials to see what would happen next. That alone was reason to keep watching since I’d grown to despise the entire process of promoting your product by staging a mini-movie in order to promote its sale.

That’s when it happened. The show came back on and Alex went through the categories the contestants would try to gain points by answering. Totally by coincidence one of those topics happened to be, “All About Summer Camp.” Just so happened that I’d recently returned from my first experiences with a place such as this, “Indian Springs Camp for Young Warriors”. My mind was just full of all sorts of trivial facts and figures about places such as this, and the next twenty minutes turned into attempts to answer questions before that day’s contestants.

At that point I found myself hooked on the show, which shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. Sort of like that news expose where they talk about Opiate Addiction in America. You’ve taken the pills to lessen the pain of that recent knee surgery, and pretty soon you’re taking out a second mortgage on the house in order to pay for a few cases of the drugs.

My high school years only enhanced the JEOPARDY!! obsession. In an attempt to stimulate the student body to become more passionate about history, our principal at FDR Secondary set up a student trivia bowl competition. It just so happened that Woodrow Jennings chose yours truly as the student assistant for the affair. As main instigator I got the distinction of helping to choose categories, set up the rules, come up with the questions, basically organize the entire event. This was great fun, and while coming up with all sorts of questions I almost wished someone would hit me with a few of the queries I’d just created. Answering them faster than your typical couch potato breaks into that recently purchased bag of salted snacks.

Another great leap forward happened after that when the powers that be decided that a trivia bowl competition for high school students was in order. Almost immediately upon hearing this, Mr. Jennings asked if I was interested in participating. This was sort of like asking a person who goes to the library on a regular basis if they like to read books.

So you might be thinking I’m being slightly arrogant when I say this, but let’s be honest shall we? The 4-person team we sent to the competition was the start of the FDR Trivia Dynasty, and because I was the main man we basically destroyed the competition. Between 1992 when that first New York High School Trivia Competition was held, and 1995 when I competed in my last match, we won by a record setting 20-25 points in every contest. The ‘95 team score was an annihilation of the competition, winning by a then mind boggling final score of 374 to 187. For all you football aficionados out there, how about a 120 to 10 slumber fest.

And what was I doing during all this time? Faithfully tuning into JEOPARDY!! on a daily basis of course. I wasn’t just watching it like your typical casual viewer either. Every time I tuned into the show I got my wife, Destiny, who’s mechanically inclined to rig up a clock-in buzzer that sort of matched those of the contestants on the show. Integrating various items collecting dust in our garage including a toilet bowl plunger, an alarm clock spring, a bicycle front suspension, and a used cowbell. Her creation was a fitting testament to the fantastic perpetual motion designs of Rube Goldberg.

Now this brings us to the current situation. I’m practicing so I can succeed once I get on the show, but I don’t want to just be your average competitor. Maybe winning one or two contests, then getting unceremoniously bounced out because of a glaring mistake they make when landing on the Daily Double category for Wall Street Investment Justice and losing everything. Investment Justice; now that’s an oxymoronic statement if there ever was one, but then that’s another story for another time. Let’s just leave it at that.

 

No, my vision of being a JEOPARDY!! contestant can best summed up in a three words. “Confident, but relived,” might be a better way to put it. My wife would like me to win for other reasons. Let’s examine the situation from her perspective.

“You know,” said Destiny Albanese. “I can almost set our clock every day by your JEOPARDY!! sessions.”

I chose not to agree with that statement. “No sir. Last month we went out to dinner at that new seafood restaurant and I completely missed the show that night.”

“A rare exception. That’s sort of like saying you’ve done your part to save the planet from global warming by not driving your full sized truck to work one day.”

“Well aren’t you?”

“Maybe in a person’s dreams. Just like digging a hole to the other side of the planet with a plastic sand shovel. Keep kidding yourself Eddie my dear.”

“One thing I’m not kidding about is getting on JEOPARDY!! and cleaning up. We could sure use some of that prize money right now to meet the mortgage next month.”

A look of slight terror crossed Destiny’s face. “You won’t have any problems getting it?”

“Nope, but it’d be nice if I had a little extra mullah to buy the materials so you can purchase and make me a new and improved clock-in buzzer.”

“What’s wrong with the present model?”

I felt like I should cover all my bases. “Nothing. I just want something that’s faster so once I get on the show I’ll improve my chances of destroying the competition.”

“No lack of modesty here.”

“Whatever.”

“Speaking of things that aren’t as much on your radar, how’re your classes shaping up at The I. this year?”

Everybody around here refers to the Traverse Aircraft Mechanical School, as “The I.” Don’t ask me why, we can only assume it’s because the place is an Institute? I think people call it The I. because they’re lazy. Never underestimate the tremendous influence of laziness in the actions (or inactions) of most folks. I work as an instructor of design mechanics at The I. “Ok. I’ve got a good group of students, and they’re an enthusiastic bunch. That’s so important in order to have a good year of teaching.”

“So what’s your favorite thing about molding the minds of the new Wright Brothers? Other than counting the minutes till the next episode of JEOPARDY!! starts?”

“No sir, I’m not that obsessed with the show. Am I?”

“Sometimes you are,” said Destiny. “Basically on those rare occasions when the sun rises in the west.”

“How strange does this sound? When one of my pupils bites the big one on an assignment I give them and gets really depressed, last year I got a kick out of helping them figure out how to pick themselves up and design a new and improved model.”

“That doesn’t sound so bizarre. Means you’re turning into a good teacher. You know, I’d better nip this confessional of yours in the bud, or you may end up losing sight of your ultimate goal.”

“What’s that?”

“Getting on JEOPARDY!! of course. Where you win lots of money so I can buy those diamond encrusted earrings I’ve been lusting after. Achieving fame and fortune rivaling that of the latest Hollywood celebrity whose face we get sick of seeing every other time we turn the TV on.”

“Well maybe.”

 

Now some people might be tempted to think I spend all my waking moments outside of school concentrating on efforts to improve my skills at answering trivia. This is not true.

The fact of the matter is, I’ve done a number of side projects over the years that have taken up a large percentage of my free time. One of these happened to be an ongoing effort to make available a large supply of cupcakes to area schoolchildren. I’ve always loved these miniature sweet breads baked into a cuplike mold and topped with all sorts of tasty multi-colored icing. Consequently I made distribution of these baked goods to elementary schools throughout our area a major goal of mine.

In fact, I pretty much did everything from baking the cupcakes, delivering them, and even filming a local promo commercial. In retrospect, maybe I pushed it a little too far by doing that last one. Things backfired on me.

Destiny always supports me in my efforts, and I wanted to take advantage of the fact that she’s a really good cook. Even though she expressed what I thought to be an uncharacteristic reluctance to assist me on this one, we still baked a huge parcel of cupcakes to take to Lincoln Elementary.

     Then despite the fact that I took time off from my daily trivia practice sessions, and just as I was loading up the van to take the finished product to the school, I received a call from the offices of the school’s superintendent. Seems that Misty Justice didn’t feel like I should unload a bunch of sweets on them that will, “Probably get deposited in the dumpster by the school cook once all was said and done,” (her own words). I hit the ceiling when I heard this, and immediately started thinking of ways to fit all those taste treats in my freezer.

In retrospect, I should’ve known this might happen when I saw that news expose. Justice kept talking about her ongoing efforts to establish a school garden and teacher instruction to try and get students to eat more fruits and vegetables. She made it a point to say they should consume fewer sweets. Makes for a healthier, more positive outlook on life as she put it. What a bunch of ########. I make it a point to eat two or three cupcakes every day, and all that sugar only seems to have helped me improve my trivia knowledge.

My scrap-booking practice should be used as another classic example of me not being totally obsessed with getting on JEOPARDY!!. I started compiling bits and pieces of my life right after winning my first knowledge bowl at the ripe old age of eight. As a result of advancing all the way to the national championship, the local newspaper began running a 5-part series of articles chronicling events. Subsequently, I began cutting up all those newspaper articles with complete abandon. Soon enough all those clippings and various other items I’d accumulated began to pile up like an unused parka collecting dust in the dresser drawer of a person living in Hawaii.

Under threat from my mother of being grounded till the day after high school graduation if I didn’t straighten things up, I bought a scrapbook to organize all those mementos. Been assembling scrapbooks ever since then and that was twenty-eight years ago. My biggest problem these days is finding a place to store all of them. The basement is getting very crowded and Destiny is convinced I’m more eccentric than most people think.

The situation is sort of like that of Mr. Givers, my next-door neighbor whose been collecting all those National Geographic magazines for over forty years. Only in my case you can’t really call what I do obsessive hoarding behavior. I’m thinking that someday these record books of mine might even get auctioned off as valuable memorabilia. In a strange sort of way that’s why I keep doing it. Don’t laugh. Stranger things can happen, and after my hoped for JEOPARDY!! success, you just never know.

 

My final example of an outside interest that isn’t trivia knowledge practice related involves a marketing and sale endeavor I recently became and continue to be involved in. How many times have you become frustrated because you keep buying all those lotto tickets, but just continue to hit that proverbial brick wall of nothing happening? For me this pretty much takes place on a regular basis, and that’s where I first came up with the innovative idea for my product.

Why not arrange it so whenever you don’t hit the big time with your lotto picks (which is as common as pole dancers collecting dollars stuck in their G-string) you still win a prize? You’ve missed winning big, but each number you did get right allows you to collect a prize at various participating businesses in town (what a concept?).

Nothing big, just $5 or $10 dollar prizes to make up for your recent weekly misfortune. Even Destiny thought this was a pretty good idea, and that’s saying something. Most of the time she usually thinks a lot of my ideas aren’t worth the mind-altering drugs Imight’ve ingested to come up with them in the first place.

 

(The Albanese kitchen post dinner, while eating dessert, defrosted cupcakes for the fifth time that week)

“So what’d they say about that?” asked Destiny.

We didn’t put the cupcakes in the microwave for too long, so we could pull back from having a soggy mess. Not too short either, thus avoiding chipped teeth. “The owner of the restaurant, this guy named Bruce Bentley, said he’d participate, but only if he gave out selected appetizers.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Why is it all these people I solicit prizes from want to give a way the minimum amount of stuff?”

“Because that’s the way it’s supposed to be,” said Destiny. “If you’re the boss that requires that if you want to stay in business you’re supposed to keep your eyes on the bottom line.”

“What’s that?”

“Saving money and maximizing profits. Otherwise the owner, or board of directors starts getting suspicious. Makes business sense don’t you think? Then again, from a morality perspective, sometimes not so much.”

It’s often hard to admit Destiny is right. This was one of those situations. “Well I suppose.”

“So what happened with that business you solicited?”

“Which one?”

“That psychiatrist who gives lifestyle advice from a tattoo parlor.”

“Oh him. As you know, at first I was slightly worried about hitting him up for prizes. Seemed like his operation was as dubious as that drive-in humidor we saw the profile of on the news. Then he offered to help us with the new addition to the house.”

“How?”

“Said he’d advice me on the design of the addition. Offered to tell us the proper Fung Shui layout, optimal sales capability with the addition once we try to sell the house some day, avoidance of fraud potential.”

“My question is, do we really have to pay for any of this?”

That thought crossed my mind as well. “I don’t know, but Nelson Riviera said he’d tell me all this stuff for free. That set off a light bulb in my head, and I decided to take him up on his offer.”

“So what’d he say he was giving you as a mini prize?”

“If a person comes to him with a few winning numbers from the lotto ticket they bought the previous week, but missed hitting it big, he said he’ll offer to give them advice about any sort of indecisiveness they may be experiencing when it comes to buying another lotto ticket.”

“Always an important consideration.”

“Oh definitely. Riviera said he’d offer his advice at a discount. Not free, but drastically reduced.”

“How magnanimous of him.”

I could almost feel, smell, and taste the facetiousness in my wife’s comments. I ignored this. “Sounded like a good deal so I took him up on his offer.”

“Speaking of sweet deals, how’d your newest JEOPARDY!! training strategy work out?”

“You mean the “Read and Respond” program?”

“Yeah that one,” said Destiny.

“Good actually. When I first tried it I found myself answering the questions I’d written not more than a week after I first read the piece then created the questions related to it.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, but I figured I should challenge myself a little bit more. Read this one expose about alternative energy, and I didn’t even go back in and try to answer my questions till almost three weeks after I first read the article. Didn’t do as well answering my questions, but I’m thinking getting things wrong the first time around will pay off down the road for me.”

“I’m curious, which ones did you get wrong with the Solar Power stuff?”

“Wrote this one question where I asked what’s the efficiency rate of most solar panels? Got that one wrong.”

“What is it?”

Oftentimes I’m not as smart as I’d like to be. “All solar panel efficiency is based on the ability of silicon cells to convert solar energy into electricity. Unfortunately that’s only 22%. I thought it was closer to 50%.”

“Be great if it ever got to almost 100%”

“That’s impossible.”

“Not necessarily,” said Destiny. “Suppose one day scientists figure out a way to harness the power of the sun and put it directly inside a car engine. Unfortunately we’ll probably end up having to use a large percentage of that energy generation just to run the car’s air conditioning.”

Sometimes it’s hard to tell when Destiny is being truthful, or hitting me with her usual irony. Results with this one were mixed. “Could be.”

 

I’d been practicing my trivia knowledge in anticipation of my coming out party on JEOPARDY!! ever since I was that snot nosed, precocious kid, and in an odd sort of way it almost seemed as if the wait had lasted too long. I felt confident after finishing the online test, and about a month after that I got the call.

I guess you could say it wasn’t that much of a shock when I found out I’d made the contestant cut. Just a matter of asking for the time off from teaching, getting things in order (I even pre packed my suitcase), and flying out to L.A.

When I told the administration I’d been accepted on JEOPARDY!! “The I” Provost said he wasn’t that surprised. In fact, Stephen Felonious, even told me to go for it. Quite the surprise since I’ve always gotten the impression that he, and various others figured my accumulation of trivia knowledge was another wing nut obsession of mine.

I wonder what some of those same people would say after seeing that first episode? Before we even got to the start of the Double JEOPARDY!! round I’d already built up a lead of almost 5,000 points. I guess one of my other competitors was slightly embarrassed about his performance (or lack thereof), since the guy wanted to walk off the set when we got to the second commercial break. Guess he’d been practicing for a long time prior to coming on the show (that’s crazy isn’t it?), and all of a sudden his dreams were falling apart like a sand castle getting pulverized by a forty foot Tsunami wave.

The rules specifically say he couldn’t walk away in the middle of a show, but just like some politicians, he chose to ignore them. The guy did stumble through the rest of the episode, and thankfully (for him anyway) went into the negative category with his point total. This forced him to exit before we got to the final JEOPARDY!! question.

Myself and the other competitor, this actor from Camden, Ohio, actually felt a little bit sorry for the guy. Then again sometimes I follow that memorable quote of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s from “Conan the Barbarian” – “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women!”

The final point tally was something like 9,240 to 2,500. Alex Trebek looked a little bit embarrassed, but he’s dealt with a few annihilations like this in the past, so it wasn’t that big a deal. I’m sure it was a slight humiliation for the actor as well, but then again the guy is probably used to lots of rejection working in his chosen profession.

I actually pinpoint the end of that first competition as the start of the streak. For the next three months I just kept winning. The money I accumulated was nice (I’m sure Destiny kept rubbing her palms every time we got to the latter part of that final JEOPARDY!! question). Over the course of my good fortune run, that wasn’t the main source of satisfaction. Just being able to hit the signaling button ahead of my other competitors and subsequently getting all those responses correct with relative ease was the sweetest sensation.

 

This   is JEOPARDY!!

Let’s meet today’s contestants: a Fast Food Distribution Coordinator from Tuscaloosa Alabama, Brad Whitney. A Psychic Bodyguard and Lifestyle coach from Ordway, Ontario, Canada, Eileen Fishburn. And our returning champion, an instructor of design mechanics at an aviation school in Traverse City, Michigan – who’s winnings over the past two months total a whopping $944,484.44 cents, Edward Albanese.

 

(Isn’t it fairly obviously I consider the number “4” to be a fortuitous one).

Now here is your host, Alex Trebek.”

     “Brad and Eileen, you’ve got your work cut out for you if you’re hoping to dethrone Edward from his lofty perch (quite the compliment actually – Thanks Alex). These are the six categories in play to choose from.

 

Famous Lines-I’ll say the quote, and you tell me the famous individual who said it.

 

Dad Tasks-A description of want happens as a result of the task not being carried out is given, and you tell me the specific job a dad should’ve done to avoid this.

 

Election Results-I say the piece of legislation or law that was passed, you tell me the president who introduced it.

 

Correct Social Media Words-A specific piece of Social Media will be incorrectly mis-spoken in a sentence, and you’re required to tell me the correct pronunciation of the word.

 

Obscure Books-A miniature synopsis of the story is read and you’re asked to give us the title of the book.

 

Lawyer Types-We’ll describe the individual practice and you tell me the type of lawyer who is licensed to perform it.

 

   “Edward since you’re the champ, you pick first.”

Interesting set of categories, I’ll go with my standard start; which one sounds the strangest. “Let’s take Famous Lines for $400 Alex.”

“I read the Times and if my name is not in the obits, I proceed to enjoy the day.”

Might as well buzz in first. “Who is Noel Coward?”

“Correct.”

Pulled that one out of thin air. Should I try to run the category? Why not. “Famous Lines for $600 Alex.”

“Jazz will endure. Just as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains.”

 

“Who is John Phillip Sousa.”

“Correct.”

“Famous Lines for $200 Alex.”

“He taught me housekeeping; when we divorce, I keep the house”

 

This one’s almost too easy. “Who is Zsa Zsa Gabor?”

“Correct.”

“Famous Lines for $800 Alex.”

“Is sex dirty? Only if its done right.”

 

“Who is Woody Allen?”

“Correct.”

“Famous Lines for $800 Alex.”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

 

“Who is Mark Twain?”

“Correct.”

“I’d like to finish the category for $1,000 Alex.”

“If people don’t want to come out to the ball park, nobody’s going to stop’em.”

Wow, they usually get harder as you go deeper into the category. Not this one. “Who is Yogi Berra?”

“Correct.”

 

Suddenly thunderous applause emanated from the audience since I’d just cleaned up the category. After all this time annihilating opponents, I’m convinced being able to buzz in first is a big reason why I keep winning. That plus my bottomless pit of trivia knowledge. Will that infinite collection of what some people consider pointless information do me any good? Who knows? With all that extra money I’ve accumulated, it already has.

“Edward you’re off to your usual outstanding start. Let’s take a brief break to hear a few words from our sponsors.”

 

About three and a half months into my JEOPARDY!! rein a most unusual thing happened. The run came to an end and oddly enough I happened to be the main instigator of my own exit from the show. Nobody expected this to happen. Least of all me since I’d been practicing to get on the game show since the day after hanging out at Ernie Bentley’s.

Some people have conversations that they remember the context of years later. My talk with Destiny on the plane ride back to Michigan was a prime example. Maybe I remember it so distinctly because I chose to eat the fish? Probably not.

“So give me the details of why you lost?” said/asked Destiny in her inimitable way. “Almost seemed like you did it on purpose.”

“I did.”

“What?” The expression on her face was priceless. Complete bafflement, but at the same time similar to a convicted felon reluctantly accepting prison life with its outstanding accommodations and cuisine for the next thirty years. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Remember Raul Wheatley?”

“He’s one of the administrators at “The I”? What’s he got to do with this?”

“Raul called me a few weeks ago and gave me an ultimatum.”

“Really? An ultimatum.”

“Told me The I’s board of directors feel like I’m violating my teaching contract since I’ve been gone for the past three months. He asked if I’ve got any idea when I’m coming back.”

“They’ve run out of subs, right?”

“Raul was nice about it. Broke the news then apologized.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this when it happened?”

Once again Destiny had backed me into a corner. This called for another wild excuse, but thinking back on the conversation my alibi wasn’t all that outrageous. More like me being honest with myself. “So how strange does this sound? I needed to think about the situation, had to come up with a proper way to tell you what I really wanted to do.”

“What’s that?”

“Teaching seems to have become this all consuming passion of mine. Despite the fact that I haven’t done it in over three months, I miss working at The I.”

“Actually I had an idea that might be the case. Began wondering when you might do this. So you really did throw the match?”

“Yup. Intentionally gave the wrong answer on the final JEOPARDY!! question and deliberately lost all my cash.”

“I guess I’ll forgive you for that,” said Destiny. “Don’t have much choice in the matter.”

“In some ways neither do I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

5,000 WC Limit