
Comic Book Culinary Monsters (Short Story – 4967 Word Count)
November 30, 2016
A Not So Tropical Christmas
December 23, 2016Computer Input Short Story pg. 1 Word Count: 1197
Positive Computer Rage
Actually, people like to complain a lot? Hell, it’s human
nature to derive this weird satisfaction out of ########? Guess I’m no exception either. Is that strange? No.
What’s odd is me having to input this in order to survive. Who’s the sadist that came up with this programming pattern in the first place? Probably some guy who didn’t get enough attention as a kid? Overdosed on too many hours glued to the Boob Tube, lots of reality TV no doubt. Now he’s got this wing- nut perception of the world based on survivalist impunity challenges and Boo-Boo beauty pageants.
Edwin McAfee’s mind was wandering after five-hours of inputting information on the computer.Having to apply for unemployment insurance because he couldn’t make a living in his chosen profession. Not much of a demand for psychic bodyguards out there.
Computer Input Short Story pg. 2
He didn’t want unemployment, but couldn’t think of another solution. Prior to this latest Apocalypse misadventure, Ed had worked at a series of dead-end service industry jobs. They kept him above water financially, but gave new meaning to the term, “underemployed”.
Suddenly Ed’s landlord decided he wanted to purchase that new plasma-screen television for the video game “Duty Bound Warrior” he got for Christmas. Ken Doppelganger figured the best way to get that $2,000.00, 60”x60”, miniature movie screen, more-real-than-life-itself, TV was to jack-up his tenant’s rent. Ken felt he was entitled since all of them could afford it? Most smiled whenever he stopped in at various fast-food establishments he visited. He needed to at least pretend to be mingling with the unwashed masses.
Ed told himself he’d survive paying higher rent. Determining this at the end of a fruitful day of employment as a busboy at “Heat Lamp Hot Dogs”. Tips were good that day. Then management decided in response to a slower economy to cut employees. The next day Ed found himself spending an inordinate amount of time kicking the can down the road. Didn’t have much else to do, and now he had more time to do it in.
Ed also had abundant amounts of dogged persistence, not giving up when situations got tough. The application for unemployment insurance was turning out to be like jumping
Computer Input Short Story pg. 3
through one hoop then going to the next. Long odds almost seemed like a challenge.
Jared Davis is right when he told me applying for unemployment in this state is tough. The process is like trying to build an operational rocket ship out of Lego blocks. Possible, but you’d better not expect anything on a tight timetable or your hair will turn grey first.
So what’s the next step after contorting myself to complete this application?
As soon as the applicant has filled out all pertinent Information on your form you must submit this request. Our review process will then examine all applicant submittal answers and a response will be forthcoming. Please be patient as this review process can take up to twenty-four hours to complete. We are currently re-allocating valuable resources to expedite this procedure ASAP. The committee recommends that once an application has been submitted, the petitioner should wait for twenty-four hours, then visit our website to examine your status.
Interesting, they want me to wait an entire day before going online to review the app.. Guess that means the construction of the pyramids did take less time than my request for unemployment.
The next afternoon:
Computer Input Short Story pg. 4
Please go online by using the Personal Identification Log- in ID you previously established for yourself.
Ok, inputting PIN.
We’re sorry. The PIN number you have used does not match the e-mail address we have on file for you at this time. Please re-input the correct PIN.
Hum, thought I hit the right digits on the keyboard. Guess I must’ve experienced a mind hiccup and banged the wrong keystroke. Either that or I inputted it correctly, but some Spanish Inquisition nostalgia freak at employment wants to f*^k with me. Naaah, I’m being too paranoid. What the He**?
The requested HTTP404 URL/Online Unemployment Application /Log-in/aspx version informationMicrosorly.net.framework version 4.080417. asp.net. Model #4.030672 has experienced a server error with the online application. The resource you are looking for (or its dependencies) could have been removed; its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please review the following URL Request #4.00023598 for spelling correctness. Then re-input the information and a correct version will be processed. At that time your new URL application #4.00023599 will be reviewed.
Edwin’s facial color matched that of a set of briefs mistakenly thrown in the wash with a blood-red jumpsuit. His blood pressure also went up ten notches.
Computer Input Short Story pg. 5
Unbelievable, those six hours I applied for unemployment yesterday didn’t get reviewed because a dependency resource got removed? Why do I feel like my application for admittance to the circus denied because my sister doesn’t have a clown face going for her?
Actually this freewheel ######## is kind of fun. Glad I don’t have to do this unemployment stuff for a living. At least now I can complain all I want.
Edwin’s persistence really showed through over the next six hours. Knowing it might take longer than a bill moving through congress, he got down on his hands and knees and begged the librarian to once again let him use their computers to expedite the process. Good thing too, he’d turned into a seasoned veteran. Only took him three hours instead of the usual nine to fill-out the application.
Next he hit the submit button on the computer, crossed his fingers in the hopes that another miracle would occur, and celebrated. Purchasing a frou-frou drink at the local coffee shop. At $8.50/cup, the Double Mocha Mint Latte Blast with cinnamon was pretty much all he could afford.
_______________ Edwin’s application passed with flying colors. That wasn’t
the only good news he received either.
A cell phone call waking him from his daytime television stupor.
Computer Input Short Story pg. 6
“Edwin?” inquired the bureaucratic voice. “This is the state employment office. Can we talk about your request?”
Actually I could talk to you for the next three hours. Isn’t like I’ve got to get to a UN nuclear proliferation in North Korea meeting at 2:00. 21st Century Matchmaker isn’t on till 4:30. “Something wrong with it?”
“No as a matter of fact. We received a correct form today. Previously you had sent us an incorrect URL/Online Unemployment Application/Log-in/aspx version information.net framework. How long did you re-work the form then submit it?”
“Two hours I guess. I’ve gotten good at learning how to correctly fill out the information.” Good at weaving my way through your bulls#*! too.
“We’re very impressed. Applicants can take up to a week to re-submit the correct form.”
“Thank you. I guess.”
“Would you be interested in working for us?” said the monotone voice. “What computer programming skills do you have?”
“Some community college.” I won’t tell him I dropped out after telling an instructor he’d give a chimpanzee on a Japanese game show a run for his money intellectually.
“We’d like you to come for an interview tomorrow?” “Ok. What time?” “10:00?”
Computer Input Short Story pg. 7
“Right.” How bizarre is this. These state guys probably make the feds look like bastions of Swiss efficiency.