Saving Deals

This was an essay that was originally written in spring of this year. Right after finishing it, I sent the missive to the editors for a humorous website out in CA. called McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Unfortunately they turned it down for publication, so next I changed a thing or two then sent it to the New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs humorous column. Now getting accepted for publication at The New Yorker has often been compared to climbing Mount Everest  with a trusty pair of rusted roller skates on. Particularly for an RU (Relative Unknown) like myself. The final place I sent it to is Funny Times. It almost made the cut there since I didn’t get a rejection until earlier this week (almost four months later). Figuring what the &*%% and I’m posting it to the blog just to get it out there. Enjoy!!

Word Count: 732

Saving Deals

How on earth can you not save during this once-in-a-lifetime Sale? Obviously you need to be taking advantage of this opportunity since it’s such a golden one. Only a complete idiot wouldn’t purchase this item, and you don’t want to be looked at in the eyes of your colleagues as one of those do you? I didn’t think so.

You may be asking yourself, what exactly is this particular component I need to be purchasing? Maybe you’re not demanding this information. We’ll get to what this item is eventually since that’s just the type of people we are. For now though all you need to know is that you must be buying this part from us, and us alone. Accept no substitutes.

Why are we the people who need to sell you this commodity? First of all let’s look at our track record. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m going to anyway. We happen to be the number one operation producing these types of products in the world today. How are we able to do this? One word, and one word alone, “Quality Control.”  Actually that’s two words, but that doesn’t really matter.

We also happen to be a very nice set of people and that should count for quite a bit in this dog-eat-dog world of ours don’t you think? You didn’t purchase that last set of illegal exotic animal contraband specifically because the guy trying to sell it to you was such a jerk. Admit it, that’s the main reason you decided not to part with those extra “Dead Presidents” burning a hole in your wallet, isn’t it?

At this time we should be telling you the major reasons why you need to purchase our product. First off it’s easy to assemble once you get it out of the box. Always a strong consideration since you’ve lost count on the number of times you put something together straight out of its container without bothering to read the instructions. You didn’t do that in part because they were written in Korean, but that’s beside the point.

In addition to that, our item can be conveniently installed in your basement. Once its in place it looks good too. You won’t feel embarrassed when your friends come over for the big game and inevitably end up congregating in the cellar man-cave. Saving face is very important in these situations.

Our product is totally revolutionary in its design. Very few commodities you purchase these days can be considered new and innovative in their visual styling. You don’t really want to be the guy with yesterday’s model, do you? Living in a time warp twenty years behind the cutting edge of technology? I didn’t think so.

This commodity is environmentally safe. In this day and age how often can you say that? The planet we live on is an extremely precious place, and some people even say we’re in a headlong rush to suck its resources dry. Destroying our ability to live on this planet as fast as humanly possible. Do you really want to be one of the infinitely mindless sheep in that category? Of course not, and by purchasing this particular component you’re insuring that you care about the earth. Doing your part to save this tiny little rock we live on as it delicately hurtles its way through space.

We’ve specifically designed our item to be affordable and cost-effective. Why did we do this? Because we care deeply about you and your family. Are you really one of those individuals that only look out for themselves? A selfish, all for #1, bottom-line arrogant ####### that only thinks about how something affects their welfare. No way Jose.

Last, but certainly not least the product we’ve produced is beautiful to look at. That’s primarily because it’s a unique, one of a kind model that you won’t find anywhere else in the greater realm of commodities such as this. How can you go wrong by having one of our models? You can’t.

We’ve only listed some of the unique and interesting features of our product. By no means have we itemized every single one of the fifteen reasons why you should buy this. We could do that, but do you really need us too? Do you really want us too?