This is an essay that was originally written in mid-March of 2018, then sent to a few of the usual humorous based literary magazines and Online websites (McSweeney’s, The New Yorker, etc.). All rejections, but on the bright side editors of the respective social media sources personally commented that I’m getting closer and closer with my output and what I’m sending to them. Whatever that’s supposed to mean? Still rejections so my mantra continues to kick in, “Don’t get bitter, get better.”

The essay has of course been up dated for 2022.

Word Count: 761

Talking Back

to Your Robot-Caller

Everyone knows it’s a fact that most, if not the majority of marketing telephone calls are programmed to take place just as you’re sitting down to eat. A special micro-chip has been implanted into the derrieres of all red-blooded Americans who use social media in one form or another. The chip initiates these calls, and let’s be honest shall we, if you don’t use social media on a daily basis, then you must be a sexual deviant? Oh wait, copulation-obsessed perverts use public communication quite heavily, so that doesn’t really work.

If folks are above the age of 30, that means the micro-chip is also activated through daily usage of a person’s Facebook page, or Twitter handle. Under the age of 30, usage of these social media entities severely damages your “coolness” quotient, so the robo-call chip is activated through pressure to the derriere of course, but also through regular usage of your Instagram Feed. Sending of Text messages to various members of the person’s inner circle during a 5-minute span additionally activates the chip.

I’m not here to tell you about the technological ins- and outs- of this special micro-chip, rather I’m here to initiate a discussion centered around those unique individuals who talk back to the robo-call when it happens, forcing themselves to answer the phone during the course of a formerly pleasant meal.

If the person answering the call happens to be the head of the household, then they’re response is more than likely going to be total incoherence because they’re trying to wolf down a mouthful of organic sustenance. Causing them to speak in a garbled, highly questionable manner. Whether or not the entity on the other end of the line can even understand them is the question of the moment. Since we’re talking a programmed, pre-recorded message, does it really matter? Probably not, unless the call is; “being recorded for quality control purposes.”

Suppose the call taker happens to be a member of the teen-age demographic? Young people don’t talk back to programmed telephone calls unless the call involves an offer for a free giveaway, various random video game opportunities, or the details of a surefire chance to spend time away from their parents. Except for these situations, pre-adults don’t respond when the call happens, so we can forget about having to deal with scenarios such as this.

Children, or toodlers answering the phone is a similar situation. Only in their case, it’s not uncommon for the little person to just sit there listening with a zombie-like stare off into the distance. This scenario is easily remedied by telling the child they don’t have to gag down their vegetables if they delete the call, or promise them an extra helping of dessert at the end of the meal.

Basically, what we have is this; the majority of individuals who talk back to marketing calls happen to be older adults. This shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise since the ones with the most money to scatter around are members of this particular focus group. Logically, a company would be complete idiots to design most of their advertisements so they don’t cater to grownups. What seems perplexing is the phenomenon of “why” individuals talk back to the call when it comes through?

Let’s examine a few theories to explain this: Certain older members of this demographic have a hard time envisioning any vocal interchange where the message from one party to another, happens to have been recorded at an earlier time for later playback purposes. These individuals still consider tape recorders to be a sinister creation of the Dark Lord, and some of them even have a difficult time grasping the concept of how electricity works. Their response to answering a marketing call is similar to that of the “little folks” demographic (Lots of blank staring off into space). Easily solved for them as well by promising to mix in some extra honey in that evening’s spice-free (but incredibly tasty) entrée.

Most adults were born after the invention of the transistor radio, so this is the group we should concentrate our investigation on. The most popular theory to explain why people talk back to their robo-call? Sad but true, everybody knows that the bots will soon be taking over, and this will lead to tasks being specifically created that will cater to their every whim and need. By talking back to your daily marketing call, responses are recorded and filed. This enhances one’s position with the Mechanical Overlords.