
Things to Get you In The Mood (Essay Re-post, 812 Word Count)
October 2, 2021
Embracing Your Inner Hell-Spawn(Halloween Essay!! 1,316 Word Count)
October 22, 2021This essay is another example of just how frustrating getting anything published outside of blogs, websites, and self-publishing happens to be in this day and age. The original of this essay was submitted to the content editor for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency way back in mid-September. The guy got back to me relatively quickly (three days) and said he got a kick out of reading the essay and its contents, but couldn’t publish it on their website at this time. Oh well, life goes on…
Since it was too late to send the piece to the editors of Funny Times newspaper (they’re Old-School with an extended print schedule-they like Halloween essays to be sent to them in late July), I ended up just sending it to Shouts-n-Murmurs, the humorous content section for The New Yorker. I’ve never heard back from them, so this indicates the piece was probably rejected anyway. Final solution; my own website/blog, and this is what you’re about to indulge in.
Word Count: 776
Your CoVid-19
Costume Options
Admit it. You’re treading a razor-thin line with this one. In fact, and to use a bad analogy, the decision is somewhat like sauntering across a grease-covered, wooden plank that’s balancing precariously over a murky, alligator-infested, swamp. This being the tropics (Florida no less…) things aren’t looking too good with this choice you’re about to make.
The 2021 Halloween costume you choose to wear could get you into a lot of hot water. The choice you make is probably going to determine whether you end up being more popular than that latest multiple hits cat-video on YouTube, or hanging out at the local grocery store as you choose the type of frozen-food entrée you’ll be eating that night. In this latter scenario, you’re spending yet another Saturday night by yourself. Doesn’t sound like much fun, and that’s exactly what might happen if you make the wrong choice?
First off, and from a World Health Organization (WHO) perspective, we probably shouldn’t even be having any Halloween parties this year. We’re Americans though, which in this case means we usually do what we want. Damn the torpedoes, full-steam ahead, and let’s go to that Halloween party regardless. After all those non-blowout get-togethers of 2020 (thanks to the Pandemic), it sure seems like the lockdown happened 100 years ago. Has it only been a year? Since that’s the case, the funfest bar has been set pretty low, and because quality standards are so near to the ground, your 2021 CoVid-19 Halloween costume you end up wearing doesn’t have to be all that good. Not very creative either, or anywhere near innovative. Kind of lame actually, so nobody would really care if the costume isn’t all that good. Here’s some choices for all you party-goers.
How about dressing up as the CoVid-19 virus itself? This is definitely possible, and all you really need is some sort latex suit with various bamboo rods attached all over your body. If you’re really feeling cheap (and lazy…) duct-tape
can be used as a tremendous tool to attach the bamboo rods. Remember, never under-estimate the awesome potential and power of duct-tape to aid you in these endeavors. As an added bonus, it comes in a variety of colors to enhance your overall appearance.
He’s become a pseudo-celebrity, and we all know I’m talking about one particular individual. You know him, you love him, you even helped build his fan website-Dr. Anthony Fauci. What about attending as the good doctor? All you need is to get a close shave before the party, find a set of wire-rim glasses, a nice suit and tie, a lab coat to wear over that suit, and the proper all-white hairdo. Of course, you also need to talk with an air of authority during the party about the vaccine, virus, and various ways to end this pandemic.
One problem (and this is a big one…). Be prepared to exit the party pronto if your impersonation and/or costume is so spot-on that certain highly inebriated attendees decide they want to tar and feather you. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. Thankfully, you may not have to even deal with this particular demographic if you attend a certain type of Halloween party.
Another drawback to dressing up as Dr. Fauci. Have you considered that the Fauci people might want some sort of kick-back money paid to them if you decide to wear a Fauci costume? Be prepared for this particular scenario to play itself out, and don’t say you weren’t warned about this particular thing happening.
What if a sizable number of your friends happen to get their news from alternative sources, and are members of that same tar-n-feather demographic we just talked about? If that’s the case, pleasantly enough, your costume choices have just been expanded exponentially. How about growing a bushy mustache, carry lots of pillows you can hold onto lovingly, and go as Mike Lindell? This isn’t entirely CoVid-19 related, but who’s keeping track?
You could even cover your face with brown stains, wear a balding head wig, yell loudly, and attend the party as Rudolph Giuliani (unfortunately, this one is somewhat dated). Another added bonus if you decide on this option, you can also borrow a landscape uniform to wear over your suit, and put a 4-Seasons Landscaping logo on it.
Let’s face it, the CoVid-19 Halloween costume possibilities are endless. Once this pandemic is over, you might even look back with a twinkle in your eyes, a smile on your face, and feelings of deep nostalgia. Longing for all those Halcyon costume choices of 2021. I doubt it though.