pg. 1

                                        Word Count: 804

This is an essay I wrote last year that I sent to the usual
literary suspects with the usual rejections. This past week I
went back in and made a few changes. Added some stuff, and
edited out various things. Here’s the result. Print it out and
read the essay next time you’re stuck smack dab in the middle of
a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam.

Constructive Daydreaming

     Some of us can agree that being stuck in traffic should be
looked at as a golden opportunity to use your precious time
constructively. Whether it’s checking something out on the
Internet you should’ve done last week, making business related
phone calls, or complaining-which is what most of us end up
doing. Not as creative, but oftentimes it satisfies some sort of
deep-seated rage. Therefore it’s more fun, calms some hidden
nerves, and is so much easier to carry out.

Constructive Daydreaming Essay pg. 2

     You were running late before you even pulled out of the
parking lot at your stimulating job as an accounts receivable
analyst, and now you can tack another half hour onto that.
Basically unless you can get home by traveling faster than the
speed of light, which Einstein theorizes forces you to flow
backwards through time, you’re screwed. How nice.

     Since we’ve decided that there really isn’t much you can do
about the situation why not carry out some constructive
daydreaming? Yeah, that’s it, the type of mind wandering where
you can think about all sorts of stuff other than your impending
non-rendezvous with the clock.

     What’s for dinner this evening? Didn’t your significant
other say something about preparing a special meal for the
family just because of who you are? God’s gift to the world of
notable human beings? Yeah right. Actually this sounds highly
implausible, but since the scenario is taking place inside your
mind we’ll go with that.

     What about Mexican food? The prospect of all those
different tastes and textures actually sounds quite appealing.
Plus you’ve always considered cuisine from south of the border
to be quite fascinating and exotic. That alone should be your
main motive for liking the stuff. Tastes good too and this is
the primary reason most of us eat anything, right?

Constructive Daydreaming Essay pg. 3

     Unless of course you’re trying to prove a point in front of
your sworn enemy by forcing yourself to eat that bowl of deep-
fried cattle genitals. Slather the stuff in lots of dipping
sauce. That way you can gag them down and it’s much easier.

     How about envisioning what you’ll do with the earnings from
that winning lottery ticket sitting on your dresser? Perhaps a
new house for your grandmother, or financing your second
cousin’s college education.  A new playground for the orphanage
across town?

Let’s be honest shall we? Everybody likes to say they’ll donate a large percentage of the money to family and/or various charities such as The American Red Cross or Amnesty International. When it comes right down to it though, you’ll end up spending some of the cash on a gold plated Alfa Romeo that does 0 to 80 in three seconds flat. We all like to say we want to contribute to a noble cause, but human nature tells us a certain percentage of the money will inevitably be invested in new and improved toys. What would life be if that didn’t happen?

What that percentage is can tell us the type of personality we’re dealing with. If it’s 10% or 20% then the individual is probably a normal, well-adjusted member of society. If it’s 90%, then these folks base their life squarely on the principle of “me first” before considering the welfare of the unwashed

Constructive Daydreaming Essay pg. 4

masses. You should probably keep these individuals away from
your daughter. Placed them in the devil spawn category.

Speaking of improving the character of the individuals you hang out with, isn’t it about time for you to welcome that new neighbor to your town? Wasn’t it just a month ago they moved into that house next door (or was it three months ago)? The guy hasn’t set up a crack lab in the back yard, so he’s probably a good person. Kind of reserved actually. Then again, those are usually the types who build NRA-approved basement bunkers, and finally go postal. Happens all the time, “He was always such a quiet young man, kept to himself.”

Admit it, you wish the boss was a little bit more like your neighbors don’t you? Unfortunately he’s the exact opposite. As loud and overbearing as the guy next door is quiet and unassuming. Thank God you only have to deal with the jerk in minor situations like the weekly board meetings and occasionally when you bump into each other at the water cooler. Can you imagine having to interact with him in a regular social situation outside work? Could give new meaning to the term, “With friends like that, who needs enemies.”

     Hey, looks like traffic is finally thinning out. You’ll
only get home two hours after you thought you would. Well at
least you were able to constructively iron out some important

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matters. Fortunately your mind doesn’t aimlessly wander like
most people tend to do.